Friday, December 24, 2004

CHRISTMAS 2004

Have almost given out all the presents, tis the season of giving!
Except I have not bought anything for Cliff. Aye, I dun have enough time to buy so I guess I will see what I can get him in KL.
Yup, I'm going to KL to countdown for the coming New Year! Dunno how fun it might be but I just got to know Karan will be there with her friends. We agreed to contact each other for the countdown :)

Merry Christmas, may you feel the blessing of our Lord.

Meanwhile, I came up with a different version of a xmas song..

^JINGLE BALLS^
Thrashing in the bed
In a one house open lights
Over the spread we go
Moaning all the way
Balls on dangle ring
Making spirits bright
Oh what fun it is to ride
Sing ( sing ) a slutting song tonight
Jingle balls, jingle balls
Jingle all the way
Jingle balls, jingle balls
Come and ride with me
In that open legs

A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride
I can't think of a better way
To spend the day
Then with you by my side
You right by my side
Jingle balls, jingle balls
Jingle all the way
Jingle balls, jingle balls
Come and ride with me
In that open legs
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, oh, oooh
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

It's you, it's me
The sweat, the spurt
Ride through the night
With nowhere to go
Jingle balls, jingle balls
Jingle all the way
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Jingle balls, jingle balls
Jingle all the way
Jingle balls, jingle balls
Cum inside with me
Come and ride with me
In that open arms (and)
Open legs


Monday, December 20, 2004

CASH-ON-DEMAND

Money does wonders. My salary was out last week and without further ado, I bought all the necessary gifts and birthday presents for friends and family. After extensive calculations, seems like I won't have much to spend on myself. No crazy splurging even for this month! Sigh.

But I had trimmed my hair, a good pamper after 5 months of lousy, flat and out-of-shaped hair. Colored, highlighted and cropped short. Dark burgundy with blonde streaks and korean bob hair. It's definitely a fresh look and I am overjoyed.
Well, it justified my 4 hours in the salon as well as pissing Joyce off. She combed thru' whole Orchard before tapping her feet impatiently in front of me. Her mood was spoilt for the whole night, and maybe throughout the rest of December days. Oops.

Cliff came on 10th and departed on 14th. We enjoyed each other's presence even though we didn't blast off with thousands words of love and life's updates. Strangely, I start to experience silence is golden in couplehood. We may not speak much but we are very comfortable with each other. A look, a grin or a touch on the arms spells warmth. We are at peace and in tranquility. Maybe we have reached a deeper and matured stage in the relationship where words and actions are not necessary at times. In summary, we have reached out to each other spiritually... a good beginning.

I love being busy, especially for leisure. I love to pack my weeks full of personal appointments. Will be joining galfriends in China Jump on Xmas Eve. I dunno how jam-packed and horrendous it might be, I just want to countdown in a chaotic manner.

New year's creeping up. Time never relent to lost moments but tolerate human's memories.


Tuesday, November 30, 2004

DECEMBER *MUACKS*

End of dreary November!

Jolly December glides in like a jester in performance.

The thought of getting extra money out of my pay churns all the sunny side outta me. I am determined to make good use of it.

Shop - Have not done so since September. Pity a woman who has no courage to use plastics because she doesn't have a cheque book (hence doesn't know how to write one) and never step into those uptown malls for 3 months, let alone generating sales for those countergals.

Save - That's the main highlight of da month. Gonna input a big chunk for a good summation. I need them for my future plans although it is still far (very distant, actually) from my proposed target. Sigh.

Surrender - Mom has heard about the possible bonus I would receive (sometimes I wish government can keep a hush-hush about it) so she gonna have a good month like me. If dad's around, it gonna be sucker for me.

Gifts - Apart from getting xmas gifts for friends, two of my sisters' birthday fall in December. As we grow, so does the monetary amount to spend on their birthday presents. Just hope one does not pin her hopes on Seiko watch whereas another asking for Gucci bag.
Oh gosh, Ernest's 1st birthday gonna hit soon.. 26th Dec!! Hum. Additional costs will have to be included.

Party - Yes yesh yeah!! I gonna sell my soul to loud music and drink my heart out in somewhere-not-decided-yet during xmas. Gals have agreed on Sentosa, but some of us lack bikinis and MOST of us lack confidence to show 1) boobs tat sag 2) boobs tat cant fulfil bikini cups 3) love-handles 4) flabby flesh around butts 5) two-toned skin
We are still planning, though we only discuss about it while gobbling down the burgers, trying on impossible pants or getting our motions done in toilets.

Travel - Marwan has invited me to Phuket, along with his wife and her colleagues. It's not a fair deal since I will be the only chinese but I need a vacation badly. Just when I said "Ok count me in" (with a cool tinge in my pitch - to disguise my excitement in front of that idiot) he couldn't find any good airfares. Moreover his leave might not be approved. Damn.
Anyway, I will know the outcome by end of this week.
I might head down to KL to celebrate New Year. As part of the annual event, fireworks will be generously displayed above the twin towers and its gonna be a sight not to be missed. However my mom gonna travel to Japan at exactly the same period, which leaves Lynn taking care of Ernest alone. Which also means she will not have time to feed Tiger, DEFINITELY. Argh!
Seems like travelling is an impossible mission in my December.

Oh yeah, I need to do something about my hair. It's as bad as the weather nowadays.

Friday, November 26, 2004

FROM THE PREVIOUS..

I received a comment from Anonymous barely an hour my entry was posted out.

GEEZ!

Thanks for the compliment, erh, if it wasn't mocking at my contradiction - which I only realized after reading your valuable comment.
People, strangers, read my blogs HERE, too.

You get the idea now? I couldn't bring myself to write my inner feelings and opinions in Multiply.com because I fear of being commented by people in there. And to recap, I dun like to be prejudged by people who dun really know me.

Yet there's an option for 'comments' for every entry I posted here. And I remember it was my very own decision to allow it!

Well I guess there won't be any 'safe haven' in webspace. I was wrong in my thinking.

Anonymous gave me some thoughts. Why am I entrusting blogspot to put my life's secrets than Multiply.com when they are 1) webspaces, 2) public space for peeps to write and read others' ?

Okie here's what I think:
Multiply.com is built for social cum professional networks. I believe their foundation relies on this and to make it work they add in features like Profiles (for people to get a basic idea of who you are), Photos (pictures speak a thousand words), Journals (like blogspot), Recipes (I like this, everyone can become Jamie Oliver at last), Events (just like eCircles, a mini event mgmt) and you can form Multiply groups when you have different kinds of contacts in your list.
Thus the name Multiply. You add a contact into your list, and you will be linked to his/her circle of friends in his/her list. Just like Friendster (but in my opinion it has become a dating site).

My point is (yes I'm coming to this, be patient!), there's a culture in Multiply.com. I can't give a good directive but from what I observe, anyone who writes an entry will receive comments from their friends...aquaintances and strangers. 90% effective. And from personal experience (after posting only 2 entries todate), those who read my journal will click on my profile to check me out. Some even tried to add me as their contact - without even a message sent to me, to acknowledge their existence. Multiply.com also allows us to snoop; I can find out who has been reading my entries and who has been checking me out.
So a certain pressure has been formed. If I write anything that delves deep into my personal life, a lot of people would read, and without even knowing me in reality. Worse, they are linked by my distant friend/aquaintance's friend's friend's gf or friend's son's colleague, etc. Its a mass network you're looking at here. I wouldn't want to be recognized on the streets based on my 'deeper-than-personal' entries in Multiply.com.

Now for this particular space.
So far, only my close friends and Cliff know about it. I can't stop strangers from reading them but I have nothing to lose. I dunno you, vice versa. What you read is for your personal indulgence, leave the contents back to where you have read them and that's it. We have no links and no closure.

I had deliberated in opting out 'comments' in my future entries. My initial motive in placing it was to give my friends and Cliff some rights to speak back on things I had spitted out, which they may have different opinions. And, it's usually when they are involved in the issues that will make them speak out. It's another communication bridge between us.
I didn't expect other people will make use of it, seriously. But that doesn't mean I dun welcome any. Unless I receive negative ones. Peeps, you have freedom of speech but do not be abusive and no intrusion of privacy. Like this particular one, getting it from Anonymous sparked off another entry from me. He/She had came uninvited with no 'weapons' armed and helped to realize my mistake. I like that. Besides, responding to the comment by writing it out helps to convince my thoughts.
Thank you.

Peace out :)

Thursday, November 25, 2004

BLOG U BLOG ME

I'm getting a little retarded in posting new entries. Yes, LAZY is the word and I managed to spell it out. Bleah.

I'm currently deep inside Multiply.com, reading blogs from people I barely know. Hey which makes it interesting. You get to know there are so many heartbroken people who still write their sad poems in Multiply DAILY. Hmm, they seem to vent all their emotions into it and find it pleasurable for strangers to read. Is this called sharing? Or flaunting? Thin fine line in this issue. Trust me, most of the idyllic, sad, bittersweet poems on love/life/personal destructions come from males. I rather call them SNAG. Gives me the shudder. And their photos... artistically taken/edited, depicting their quiet, smileless, serious, artyfarty faces.
Idiotic, I would say. So much for making yourself seen artistically and yet howl about your torn heart in the blogs. It creates a pathetic atmosphere, eh? Too perfect for a human to be sad physically. GET REAL!

I am re-reading Paulo Coelho's Veronika Decides To Die. Few pages left before I leave her maddening world. I will be left with nothing on my hand to hold and eyes to read during my treacherous journeys to and from work. Am having skintight budget this month, dun even know if I can afford to rent a novel from Sunny Rent-a-Book store. Damn.. I need to immense myself into surreal world, life's a little mundane in reality!

Cliff mentioned about a surprise visit soon. Hum hum hum. Do I like surprises? Answer was a definite 'yes' and 'of coz!' when prompted last time. I'm not too sure now. A little, I guess. Too much will send me into convulsion. My mind won't work properly and I will become gibberish for at least half an hour. Well that occurs only when the surprise is really a "~SURPRISE!!!~". If I wasn't surprised by the surprise attack, I would have to act like I was.
Phoney bitch.

Somehow I can't seem to write anything personal in Multiply than here. Perhaps too much scrutinization over there. People read your entries, post comments and it's courtesy for you to reply them. Courtesy?... Madness. Why should I? It's my blog!
But then, this space is where I dump my emotions because it's a safe haven. I dun like to be READ. I dun have the 'courtesy' to let strangers tapping into my mind/soul, watever. They dun need to, honestly. If they want to, they should seek proper channel, other than reading my blogs.

If you frown after reading the above, read the quotes on the left frame. It helps.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

ALT+F4

Somehow I couldn't get the movie out of my mind:
Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.

I start to envision myself, signing up at Lacuna Inc, going through the difficult procedure of erasing some parts of my memories.

Yes, I want to terminate some mental blocks that exist in me for a long time.

It's easy to remember unhappiness, the pain and hurt we have gone through and if there's Lacuna Inc, I'm sure I won't be their sole customer. In fact, many pain-dwellers will start to freshen up and head towards the clinic for a psychological makeover.

Yes, I want to forget, erase, remove, delete and refresh my life.

But life's not about walking back the path and sweeping off the traces of our footsteps along the way. Life and time work together to push us through experiences, encounters, pain, laughter, surprises, nightmares, goals, mundanity, challenges and much more.
The stones that we stumbled upon can only serve as lessons to be learned, as well as an induction to fantasize the wonders of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

I will stubbornly wait for technology to create Lucana Inc. Meanwhile, I will continue to swim along the banks of my memories.


Saturday, November 06, 2004

SECRETS OF SUCCESS

Read this article from Reader Digest, and it's really useful to some people I know. Take a moment to absorb what it says below...

6 Ways To Control Your Financial Life
These smart money habits will put you in charge - and take the stress out of managing your finances.
By Jean Chatzky

Do you have to be rich to be happy? If you're poor, a little extra money absolutely can buy happiness. In a developing country it can mean a warm place to sleep or an electric fan to drive off the heat. But once you've achieved life's basic comforts and necessities, more money doesn't necessarily buy more happiness. Maybe you can purchase a new pair of shoes that will put a short-lived smile on your face. But will money buy you lasting happiness? Not a chance.

The irony is that, while money is responsible for only a small piece of your overall happiness, it can rob you of happiness completely. Fighting about money can drain the joy out of your marriage or other personal relationships, while chasing after money in the belief that it will make you happy can cost you the opportunity to focus on the truly important things in life.

The reality about money is that the more control you have over your finances, the fewer money stresses you have. And less stress translates into more happiness.

Of course, many things about money are beyond our control, from the gyrations of the stock market to changes in the world geopolitical picture. But a lot is within our control. For instance, while you can't control the markets, you can control how much you invest. You can't control your corporation, but you can choose to save a cushion of cash so that if your industry is hit by layoffs, you can still pay your mortgage and get a good night's sleep.

Here are six simples ways to take charge of your financial destiny:

1. Get "Pretty Well" Organised
You don't have to hire a professional organiser or spend a mint at the office supply store. You just need to come up with some sort of system that you understand, so if you have to put your finger on an important piece of paper, you can do it quickly and without a great deal of trouble.
I used to face piles of clutter that drained my time and energy, until I cleaned up my act with a sort of fengshui approach to finance. In order to live peacefully and happily, you have to keep the various areas of your life in balance. Imagine your living space as a tic-tac-toe diagram. If you're standing at the front door, your wealth area is in the back left corner. This is the area where you should focus on making money. It should be organised and clutter-free - a place that makes you feel you are already rich.
First, pare down your paper. Get rid of old receipts and brochures. Set up a simple filing system: one folder for your investments, one for insurance policies, another for credit cards. Then everyday spend 15 minutes going through your mail. Toss out the junk. Open whatever is necessary and deal with it. The goal is to touch each piece of paper only once.
Pay your bills as they come in, rather than stockpiling them until the end of the month. This will lower your stress levels and make you feel more in control. Why? Sitting down to pay a dozen or so bills all at once is drudgery, and it eats up a chunk of time that you'd rather spend doing just about anything else. Moreover, watching all that money fly out the door can be an emotional drain. Do it in bits and pieces, and it's far less overwhelming.

2. Spend Sensibly
That double decaf latte may make your stomach sing as it goes down, but if you can't afford it, it'll give you a headache later. If you have trouble living within your means, you need to understand the specific items sabotaging your wallet. Once you've identified them - whether they're car payments, restaurant bills, mobile phone charges or too many birthday gifts - you can make changes.
I used to spend an exorbitant amount of money on (gulp!) my hair. Twice a week I'd have it washed and blown straight. The trips seemed relatively inexpensive when I looked at them one-by-one. But when I added them all up, it was $3120 a year. I was horrified. So I brought my own top-of-the-line straightening iron - and since then I've saved over $6000!
There are many ways to make deals with yourself to live within your means. You can brew your own cafe latte at home. Buy that car used. Cut back on your clothing allowance. Spending no more than you can afford is absolutely essential to financial control.

3. Minimise Credit Card Debt
Having a very low level of total debt (including mortages, car loans, home equity loans) does not necessarily make us better off. In today's economy affording a house, or undertaking an extensive home renovation, means taking on some debt. Credit card debt, however, is a different animal. You can't take ownership of the rest of your financial life unless you bring your relationship with your creditors under control and reap the psychological rewards that come with the bargain.
If you've borrowed so much that you have trouble making the payments on your monthly cards, stop spending and stop borrowing. It's as simple as that. Do whatever is necessary to make that happen - lock your credit cards in a drawer if you have to. If you're in a hole, you've got to stop digging.
Beyond that, you can lower your payments by shopping around for a credit card with lower interest rates. Check the Internet for better deals; look for other types of loans that have tax advantages. Also, be careful to avoid the penalties and fees that banks are charging more often these days. So pay those bills on time - another reason to open and pay your bills as they come in.

4. Save at Least Five Per Cent of Your Income
When you're saving money, your control over financial matters gets stronger and stronger. The easiest way to save is to get that five per cent out of your hands before you have a chance to spend it. Arrange to have money taken out of your pay packet and funnelled directly into your savings. Or set up an automatic transfer that takes five per cent from your cheque account each month and deposits it into savings - look into using a tax-advantaged investment account.
But the fact is: you can save only if you're living inside the margins of your income - if you're living within your means. Many people don't. But once you become a good manager of your own money, you will get better at saving. Habits make a substantial difference as well. Budgeting, tracking your expenses, balancing your chequebook and paying your bills as they come in all translate into better saving.
Once you find you can save five per cent of your income, the accumulation in your accounts will provide encouragement to do more. Up your contribution to six per cent, then seven or eight, until you really know you are putting away enough to fund your future.

5. Work Towards Your Goals
Says economist and American TV personality Ben Stein, "The first step to getting what you want out of life is this: Decide what you want."
A colleague of mine, a divorced woman in her thirties, lives in New York. She once had the habit of shopping in order to chase the blues away. She looked for sales, thinking how much she was saving, but never about the fact that she was actually spending. Eventually her creditors began to call, and that made her take a look at her life. She had a four-year-old son she wanted to send to private school; she wanted to pursue a post-graduate degree for herself; and looking at the price of New York real estate she realised how far away she was from being able to buy a place of her own.
My colleague decided her goals were important enough to quit spending. She went cold turkey - "Is there any other way?" she asks - and it was far from easy. She would look in the store window and say, "I want that." But then she'd realise she didn't need it - what she needed was an education for her son and herself.
Visualising what you want is the first step in setting goals. Think big, but be as specific as possible. Setting goal of "buying my first house soon," is too vague. Deciding you want to buy a three-bedroom home within 30 minutes of your office before the next school year begins is better.
Write down your financial goals, then figure out what steps you need to take to achieve them. Break them down into manageable parts. If your goal is to save $5000 next year, seeing all those zeros may seem daunting. But saving $100 a week is not so overwhelming. And if you know you can come up with that much money by quitting the health club you never use and dining out one less time per week, your course is clear.
Don't make the mistake of looking at goals as points in time some distance away. You're better off looking at goals as a series of lifelong changes you make to achieve those desires.

6. Don't Be Consumed With a Desire for More
Enjoy the life you've been able to achieve. Remind yourself that wanting more doesn't breed contentment, it breeds more wanting.
Think about that once-a-year raise you typically receive in the working world. It's only a matter of weeks before you're spending to match the new level of income. And a few months later you can no longer imagine how you lived on less. Which brings you right back to where you started.
I think buying and owning a lot of "stuff" is fine, as long as you can truly afford it. But people who overwant believe that money buys happiness, as well as independence, security and control. The irony is that these people have given money the power to control them.
The way to achieve control and independence is to adopt the good money management habits of planning, organising and saving. Control doesn't hinge on how much money you make. It hinges on how you handle the money you have.

www.rdasia.com : For more tips on managing your finances, visit the website.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

DEPARTURE

27th October marks one of the saddest day in my life. My best pal cum colleague, Claudia, has left the company for a greener pasture. I was informed by her only two weeks prior to her last day.

Man, I was shell-shocked.

For more than four years both of us stuck together like twins, have lunches like school girls(sometimes with marwan), teabreaks, went to colleague's weddings side by side... I was with her when she was still single and dating, to her ground-breaking news of getting pregnant and marriage, her initial struggles to take care her newborn child and handling her impossible mother-in-law, her second pregnancy, her worries, frustrations, sadness, laughters, tears and office politics.. to all sorts. Likewise, she is the witness of my four years' life: rollercoaster-relationship, my depression after breaking up, my personality and physical changes, my countless job interviews with half-hearted zeal etc. Throughout the years both of us had been talking about quitting, down to details in how to showdown in front of those imbecile managers and how cocked up the system is... and both of us knew that it's so difficult to leave because we couldn't bear to part with each other. I even had an offer from a MNC company last year and parting my best pal inevitably became a main concern.

Well now she's gone. I always thought among three of us (including marwan), I would be the first to quit. I have taken it for granted till she broke the news to me on that Friday. I tried to cope with it by arranging farewell lunches, snapping pictures and helping her to pack. Making myself busy so I won't have time to think how I will survive once she's gone.
Now her desk's empty, my lunch becomes solo and my days at work seems to stretch into endless pit.

With her family committments and her new job, it will be a difficult task to arrange a meetup next time. I really hope this is not happening right now.. I seem to have lost a precious stone in my heart. Really miss her.. She's the greatest friend I have found and the strong pillar of support I have in my life. Though I hate my workplace, my colleagues, I thank my company for giving me a treasure, which is Claudia.

I know parting is part and parcel in everyone's life... But I still have not come to terms with it.

Sob.


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

GREAT EXPECTATIONS PART 1

Everyday in my workweeks, I would get myself a cuppa at the cafe, half hour before lunch. It has become a routine for me - daydreaming at a corner all by myself while sipping the rich coffee. After that it would be toilet business and off to lunch. I didn't know my habit has become part of someone else's routine as well. The owner and assistants at the cafe are so used to my presence that they will prepare the coffee upon my arrival, without any order prompted to me. Their service is rated top quality in my opinion because they even remember how many servings of condensed milk I need!
This isn't my first encounter, there are many others.. like the wanton mee stall owner. He knows what I would order everytime I go near the stall. "The usual? With more chili and gravy, yes?" Even though my visits are counted only during weekends. How about the grocer? Everytime she sees me, my usual stock will be in her hands and without a word, the price will be keyed into the cash register. Everything becomes automatic because of my routine, my habit.
I'm sure some of you experienced it too. Don't that make you feel special? People we barely know make effort to beautify our days. And the best part is that a bond has formed between us, giving us ample grace and respect towards each other. Yes, perhaps monetary terms do play a part. But they won't lose much if I dun buy from them, afterall it's only an eighty cents coffee, two dollars noodles and etc. Well then, I reckon its the little expectations that come from each party that signifies the relationship. Simple and direct. No strings attached. However, if you reflect upon those people whom you care and love, when both have status-wised expectations and strings attached to their hearts, its a completely different story.
More often than not, we step in a little too close towards the people we love. We enforce some hidden or tangible rules and expectations onto each other and sometimes we even start to take each other for granted, conscious or sub-consciously. Quarrels and arguments erupt. No one compromises. We forgot the simple respect and basic expectations. How come we can be so different in front of strangers and to the ones we cherish dearly?
So much care and concern towards them but when negativity strikes, we are the ones that hurt them most. Yet we behold our manners and respect in front of other people we are not even close to.
Isn't it ironic?


Thursday, October 07, 2004

POPCORNER'S WEEK (AKA NO-LIFE BREED)

Watched three DVDs over the weekend..

Adaptation - directed by Spike Jonze
Poignant, funny, dark and provoking. It dwells into the life of Charlie Kaufman (whom, is the scriptwriter of this film but this role was played by Nicholas Cage), his struggles against his personal and career stump. He detests his twin brother, whose character and outlook in life is totally different from his. Charlie doesn't realize till the end of the show that, it is his sibling that will help him to change his perceptions. Meryl Streep plays the author of a novel whom Charlie is supposed to write into a screenplay. Chris Cooper plays the role of an avid orchid collector whom Meryl begins to get obsessed with. These characters began to revolve into each other's lives in an unsuspecting manner. It's all about Passion.
Well, I do hope Charlie Kaufman isn't like that in real life.. I like his films a lot :)

Movie Rating - 4.3 out of 5


Soul Plane - directed by Jessy Terrero
This is crappy shit. Nonsensical. Watch it if you really-really-really have nothing to do, or if you have watched too many re-runs of Scary Movie 1 & 2. It's definitely a lousy hijack when I watched this film right after Adaptation. Kevin Hart plays the man who owns the first all-blacks aeroline after an airplane incident (and was compensated loads after winning the lawsuit). Whole story pans on the first virgin 'cruise', the unique service and funny people on board. Snoop Dogg plays the rookie (or so it seems) pilot and the rest just sang with the choir till the film ends. Anyway, it's a no-brainer.

Movie Rating - 2 out of 5


Live In Baghdad - directed by Mick Jackson
This HBO production details the true events of a brash CNN producer in Baghdad, 1991, when Gulf War was about to erupt. He brought along his crew, with a streetwise co-producer and salvaged thru the streets of Baghdad to film the demonstrations, the pre-war situations and even broadcasted live to the rest of the world during the first day of war. Lively dialogue, smart humour and fast-paced motions will make you glue to your seat way thru the end. Michael Keaton plays Robert Wiener and Helena Bonham Carter is the co-producer. I like this film because it captures the emotions and professionalism of journalists, the needle-sharp balance between sympathy and practicalism. Besides, it's based on true story. People like them do exist. At some point, I even rewind (as in navigate back) to some scenes. This is the advantage of watching dvds. Haha.

Movie Rating - 4.2 out of 5


i still have 10 dvds to clear over the next few weekends.. yay!


Monday, September 20, 2004

HAPPINESS AND DISAPPOINTMENTS

Woah, been a while since I posted anything here.

I enjoyed my stay in KL. So much fun and love that I sobbed before saying goodbye to Cliff. Seems like three days-three-nights isn't enough at all!

Celebrated his birthday on saturday night with his colleagues. Went to a new club, Rush and it was jam-packed with babes and hunks-wannabes. R&B and Hip-hop music were played throughout the night till 3am, when techno and trance took over the atmosphere with rigidity. Rush's washroom has this 'aquarium' that divides male and female's privacy and opposite sex can vaguely see thru' each other. That is why all female cubicles are equipped with a long rectangular mirrors so we can adjust our bras and tight panties without smirking guys ogling at us. I didn't expect it but I ended up chatting with strangers while waiting for my turn in the washroom. Not only once, twice but four times with different gals! Maybe I was tipsy and they were drunk, we just chatted happily about gals' stuff and etc. Conversations would end simultaneously (and automatically) once it was your turn to use the cubicle and nobody would be able to recognize each other on the dance floor.
Anyway we left the place at 4am, with people STILL queuing up at the entrance. Had supper and went back at 530am. What a terrific night!

Week after that, my sister from Japan came back for short vacation and dad dropped by from Sabah at the same time. I have the new digi cam with me now! Had asked her to get a RED nikon coolpix e3200 for me in Tokyo. It's a mid-performer with simple functions. Body is donned in metallic red with dark grey borders which is not available in local market! Isn't it COOL?! :)
Tested the camera yesterday in Esplanade. I was having a true-blue Family-SunDay with all my family members, including my bro-in-law and cute little ernest. Went for a late morning dim-sum and strolled along the paths of Esplanade and One Fullerton. We chanced upon F1 Boat Race along the riverbanks and managed to catch a glimpse at those colorful jet boats. By the time we dragged ourselves back to the carpark, it was well past five in the afternoon. I left the company and travelled to Sim Lim Sq to get my SD card and card reader. Reached home slightly after nine, feeling bushed and sleepy. However I was too excited over my new card and reader so I sacrificed my much needed rest by testing the devices . The SD card is working perfectly ok (hand signal) but the card reader is a huge disappointment! My comp couldn't detect it at all and there was no power light on the device. Tried umpteen times... almost threw it out of the window while cursing out loud. Sigh.

SO.. later on I have to make my way down to that damned place after work. Really hate all the hassle and disappointments. ArGh.

Monday Bonus: Dad promised crabs for dinner.. hmm.. I'm becoming a big bertha if they stay for another two weeks...


Wednesday, September 08, 2004

TRIPPIN'

I'm heading down to KL this Friday! Woohoo! A much deserved breakaway... at long last!

Actually I'm going there for Cliff's birthday, which falls on 12th September. I have been so tied up in work for the past two months and it's high time for me to smell KL air and walk its beaten path! Damn tough to have my leave approved by my tight-arsed manager. I gonna make use of the time there to rest and relax! HELL YEAH!

One more day to go.
Tick tock tick tock...


Monday, September 06, 2004

WHOLESOME

I had an unexciting weekend. Thank gawd I survived. On Saturday, I met my two buds in Bedok North Ave 2 for late dinner. That hawker centre is so huge tat a godzilla can sleep headlong over it. Anyway that's the place where the famous bak chor mee is. We sat there for five hours till my bum got sore. And that was it. Went home to blink my eyes till I dozed off. *slap forehead*

BUT! I managed to catch a movie on Friday! Phew!

Movie:
Open Water

Story:
Based on true events, about a couple enjoying their short break in an island of Bahamas, found themselves stranded in open sea after their dive, thanks to a bunch of careless and imbecile diving caretakers. Dehydrated and hungry, they were drifted by the waves and soon big schools of black-tip sharks started to surround them, eyeing the two helpless city-dwellers as juicy bait...

Hmm, do you know that it was much more terrifying than it sound? I was squirming in my seat when jellyfish stung them mercilessly. My bum was almost touching the floor when they were attacked by sharks. My feelings went out to them with 100% conviction. Just imagine yourself being left alone in vast ocean without anything to call for help. Aimless, tired and clinging to the only hope that the diveboat will cruise back, you can only let yourself drift away by the waves to nowhere. Added to the bonus of constant sharks attack and dark stormy night, how long would you strive to survive? That was what the wife thought. At the rise of dawn Susan gently pushed her dead husband away. Knowing she will be the next target soon, she released her float vest and chose the only way to freedom.
Damn, that was really sad and pathetic! Yet if I was her I wouldn't hesitate to do it too.. wouldn't want to be eaten alive by jaws!
This film really gave me jitters. Dun think I will learn diving at this time. And I'm sure Open Water has given some divers something to rethink about. Especially those people in diving centre, PLEASE DO PROPER HEADCOUNT!!


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

MR BIRD FLU, U SUX!

Thanks to the return of bird flu, currently we have an island-wide shortage of EGGS. You won't be able to find dozen of eggs in supermarkets tat easily, anymore.

One of the major supermarket has implemented a policy: You can buy eggs from us if you spend more than ten dollars in a single receipt. Heck, what's tat supposed to mean? If I only want to buy a tin of sweet corn and a dozen of eggs, I gotta get more items to top it up to ten bucks in order to complete my shopping list?

I think this supermarket benefits in both ways. For one, they can control the limited stock in their inventory. Two, they are able to earn more profits by making customers spend more for the sake of eggs. My mom bought a dozen from another market recently. It costs S$2.90. Can you believe that? During the norm, we only throw in less than 2 bucks for it! Mom grumbled that was the cheapest in the rack and there weren't much to choose from.

Sigh, I'm an abusive egg-eater and this is obviously killin' my appetite!


Friday, August 27, 2004

THINGS I HATE

Waiting
Gossips
Being vague and elusive
Stupidity
Having to explain
Karaoke
My office computer
Soft toys
Spring cleaning
Being feminine
Passing messages
Self-introduction
Getting appraised at work
Rules and regulations
Fishing
Pork, duck, frog's legs, bittergourd, sea cucumbers, shark's fin
Fresh milk, almond milk, cereals, horlicks, ovaltine
Mint chocolates, vanilla ice cream, cinnamon rolls
Beetle Juice cartoon character
Teenagers
My system manager
Writing resumes and attending interviews
Competitions
Local tv drama series
Procastination
Window-shopping

Yes, I'm a difficult person to get along with. Be warned.


Wednesday, August 25, 2004

GROUNDED

Can't believe I have been slogging away for the past two weeks. Staying late in office - replying emails and installing software into machines. We're talking about 100 computers, not forgetting a new server.
Thanks to an extra income generated from dunno-where, my company decides to close down my lab and expands the other one with carpeted flooring, expensive projectors, new air-cons and flat-screened monitors. Which means extra work for me. Packed my barang-barang into boxes and shifted to a new (big) cubicle, unpacked (i hate this part) followed by days of configurations and software installations into those newbies. Moreover a new term has started, thousands of students flocked into the lab with scheduled tutorials and practicals. Sigh.
It's been a long while since I have this kinda momentum, which is good.. but, I'm lazy by nature! I enjoy going to work in late mornings and end the day with nothing much accomplished. Yeah perhaps its really the right time for me to move on, 4.8 years in this shithole has made me numb of everything, have learned almost everything they can provide me, tired of complaining and possess a devil-may-care attitude towards the management.
Whilst I have been telling people and myself of the possible change, Angela has started it before me! Heck! She will tender her resignation next monday, which is unlike her as she has not secure a new job yet! I'm speechless, and of cos, guilty as charged.

Argh, so much work to clear by this week and I'm still up and awake at this hour!
Time for bed!

Lights out!


Tuesday, August 17, 2004

SENDING SIGNALS

Someone asked me a question.
"Why are men always getting physical towards you?"
Now, such a question requires some thoughts. It opens up to two possibilities: its either me or them. Period.

Let's start by assuming it's me who provokes them to do so. Is it because of my mannerism? My behaviour? My attitude? Or, my dressing?
Let me see... I have good manners. I pay for my food, my drinks and my stuff. I dun need men to pamper me in this way. Next, I dun behave like a bimbo. I dun wear skirts/shorts/minis, I always secure myself with bras and I'm not a looker. I'm actually, quite tomboyish in character. Attitude... hmm, I treat male friends like buddies and give hell to sleazebags. So anything provocative about me?
I didn't make them spend so they can touch me for a trade-off, I'm not behaving like a slut and I am just treating them like my buddies!
Yes yes yes I know sometimes I'm friendly towards people I hardly know. Errr, what's wrong with that? It's just socialising. No hidden agenda. And I can communicate better with male species. Dun ask me a big why, it just goes this way. (however, i treat my galfriends so much better! ask them!) AND I dun give any chances to 'slugs' or 'roaches'. I have enough of them in the past! DuUh.

Now then, let's try to poke at the other answer: the men.
Men, to my knowledge, are always 'on the go'. Single, married, divorced, young, old, very old, ugly, normal, handsome... they're still the same: their private parts are exposed beneath their pants, breathing like a fish, day in day out. Which is not difficult to know that it can be quite easy to let the other head rule over their waffled minds. Besides, scientific research has proved that men are easily aroused and stimulated much much (gals, you can add in as many 'much' as you like) faster than women.
Hey, answer is out here.... can you see it? A harmless dance with one of the toads will be too tantalizing for them to practise some self-control. They may even fantasize throughout the whole night when all you did was a pad on the shoulders. How about dinner? Ha, they will start to plan the special 'dessert' well before you get dressed to meet them at the door.

I dun wanna digress anymore. I know what I'm doing. I know when I'm flirting and when I'm not. Heck, I dun even flirt now (ahem, am retiring from the stage) and when guys try to pick me up just because I'm being myself, you people out there, dun be a bitch and point fingers at me. You can say I'm overly friendly/playful/open-minded/easy-going/naughty or watever. But please take note, I have moral values sticking at the back of my head too.

dOh.


Wednesday, August 11, 2004

OVER THE LONG WEEKEND...

Books Read - Milan Kundera's Farewell Waltz and Slowness
Couldn't stop reading Farewell Waltz till the very last page. Milanku is so good in portraying individual thoughts and make readers reflect upon themselves by each of the roles he undertook in the story. It's amazing. But I still like his 'Unbearable Lightness of Being' :D

Movies Watched - Collateral
Starring Tom Cruise, Jamie Fox and Wasaname (Will Smith's wife). Not a fantastic plot but cinematography is above average. The direction of the whole film is well-thought, and artistically carried out. Though Tom Cruise played a major role, I would like to rank this film as a near-to-indie category. Dialogue was attempted to be quirky but at some scenes, it tried too hard. Overall, don't expect two hours of actions.

Places - Concert, Dbl-O
Mike has tickets to Zhang SanWei and Wilbur Pan's concert in indoor stadium. Since I never been to a concert before, I decided to experience the thudthumping. Ermm, turned out that I felt like an oddball among the youngsters waving luminous sticks, shaking beanie cans and self-made banners. They are the groupies! My ears were tested to the max that night and I ended it by leaving the place before half time.
Dbl-o. My next destination. Sigh, same shit different day. Seems to become my weekend home. DUH!

In the end? Three full days for me to sleep but I just threw it away. Still have puffy eyes, dark circles and you won't even get to see my face in the morning train every morning: either I'm late as usual or I will be sleeping my whole journey thru' with head drooping low.

(didn't get to enjoy my deserving sea breeze too...)


Friday, August 06, 2004

SHORT-TAKE

I know the contents of my previous entry were full of sad tones. Well, I'm a-okay now. Emotions settled in and feeling calm. Finally, I have found out where our problem lies in. The point of realization helped to gain my composure back. I am beginning to smile a little now, getting to my usual self bit by bit. It's also partly because he has started to sms and call me again. *sheepish grin* This time round, it was amiable and positive. I guess that depressing conversation did played a good part. For now, both of us will need some time to think it over and most importantly, meet to talk it out. This is no easy feat, since we stay in different countries.
Ah well, the trouble with love is... it's so unpredictable (but that's the wonder of love too, isn't it?)

It might be a blessing that I'm currently bogged down by mountainous work load, tight deadlines and endless meetings with vendors. And I just heard a piece of bad news from Karan. It's regarding the biz venture I joined not too long ago. There's a 'policy' which was not told by our premier previously and it totally threw us off the chairs. This stupid rule gonna make my life hard, cos it's like a deadline! Argh. Clearly, no slacking is allowed when you're encouraged to make money!

Right now, I'm strung out with so many tight wires... be it work, biz and relationship.. sigh, do need a break. And I miss the sea breeze caressing my face.

TGIF!


Wednesday, August 04, 2004

HOLLOW

Last night, I cried again. Couldn't sleep for the past two weeks. Felt so helpless with myself.. I sought solace from my sister in Oz. I cried louder when I read every of her sms replies.

Menses came again. It's barely two weeks since it stopped. Cramps are troubling me, it's much worse than before.

I dunno what's happening to me.

Just had a talk with him on the phone. It has been three weeks since I heard his voice. We TALKED. But it was depressing. And I sobbed. I hate to cry, especially in front of him. Tears, is regarded as a sign of weakness. I dun like to show them to gain sympathy. But still, I wept. Sadness is something you can't control, it breeds, it shadows you, it lives in you..as long as you invite it into your soul.

My world, at this very moment, is crumbling. I'm suffering from depression and I dunno which causes it.

Wish I'm mad. Lunatics enjoy a warped world much better than mine.

Saturday, July 31, 2004

THE OTHER

A man runs into an old friend who had somehow never been able to make it in life. "I should give him some money," he thinks. But instead he learns that his old friend has grown rich and is actually seeking him out to repay the debts he had run up over the years.

They go to a bar they used to frequent together, and the friend buys drinks for everyone there. When they ask him how he became so successful, he answers that only until a few days ago, he had been living the role of the "Other."

"What is the Other?" they ask.

"The Other is the one who taught me what I should be like, but not what I am. The Other believes that it is our obligation to spend our entire life thinking about how to get our hands on as much money as possible so that we will not die of hunger when we are old. So we think so much about money and our plans for acquiring it that we discover we are alive only when our days on earth are practically done. And then it's too late."

"And you? Who are you?"

"I am just like everyone else who listens to their heart: a person who is enchanted by the mystery of life. Who is open to miracles, who experiences joy and enthusiasm for what they do. It's just that the Other, afraid of disappointment, kept me from taking action."

"But there is suffering in life," one of the listeners said.

"And there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in your struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what you're fighting for."

"That's it?" another listener asked.

"Yes, that's it. When I learned this, I resolved to become the person I had always wanted to be. The Other stood there in the corner of my room, watching me, but I will never let the Other into myself again - even though it has already tried to frighten me, warning me it's risky not to think about the future.

"From the moment I ousted the Other from my life, the Divine Energy began to perform its miracles."


* By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept - Paulo COELHO


Thursday, July 29, 2004

STATE OF CHAOS

Question: "What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb?"
Answer: "You can't unscrew the pregnant lady."

Funny? To me, it is. Been trying to cheer myself up for the past two weeks. I dunno if it's the damned pills that make me like that but I would like to think so. The only good thing about these pills are that they really stop my menses but they play around with my moods. Thank goodness I have it under control since monday and have been feeling pleasant and totally myself again... till an hour ago. My emotions just went thru a tough rollercoaster ride. You see, I couldn't contain myself any longer so I msged Cliff about our status. That's when the ride started. It wasn't a good conversation because it didn't resolve anything and worse, I got to know he has so much hatred and negativity about me. Why? Because of the past messages I sent, hurt him deep and hard. I swear, I wasn't even cursing, scolding nor hurling abuses at him. I was only telling him how I felt and was trying to confirm my thoughts. Like I told him just now, if I can't be frank, honest and open to him, what would I be? A doll for him to bring out? I guess he still cannot accept my personality, and I, cannot accept his sensitivity? Hmmm, I really dunno.
It is heartbreaking to know that the person you love has not been happy all the while and you're the cause of it. No self-help books will do any justice to our relationship. We seem to have so many conflicting issues and we are so damn good in our sarcasms. Sigh... 
So folks, heed my advice. Do not engage in long distance relationships. Its unhealthy, unpromising and exhaustive. Mine has been spanning over more than 3 years and it's not funny. I would use the term, tumultuous. Very much, indeed.

Anyway, I have signed up the biz venture. A little apprehensive, the Other is still shadowing me. I went for the dinner with my uplines and premier last night in Borders. It was truly progressive, because Andrew cleared so much of our doubts and finally I got the idea of how this biz's scheme is. I still need to do a lot of note-taking and thinking to sort all the details out, and I gonna jot down the information neatly for my personal reference. Am expecting the pack to arrive on Friday but if Andrew submitted my application on Tuesday, I think it will only arrive next week. I do think it's not easy to earn money in this biz (as well as to recoup my capital) and this gonna change my current lifestyle. But I'm quite willing to put efforts in it, of course, if it doesn't affect my lifestyle in a negative way!
Some friends have been asking me about this biz (after reading my blogs). Well I dun think it's advisable to provide all the info here, but I will let you in a little.  It's not a product selling nor a fast-cash biz. Definitely not. It's more like a profit-sharing kinda biz. That's all! Any more details, ask me personally! Bleah!

Ok, time to sign off. Radio's playing all the songs that hit my nerves. "I Dun Wanna Know", "Emotions", "I Dun Want You Back", "(So much for) My Happy Ending", "If I Ain't Got You"...etc. Irritating.

By the way, I have trimmed my hair short. REAL SHORT and it's not nice. Sigh, I always do that when I'm troubled. Like most people say, snip off your problems and drink your troubles away. Maybe I shall get myself pissed drunk this weekend.

May The Force Be With Me.


Monday, July 26, 2004

I, PENDULUM

Let me tell you how well I have been faring during the past few days, when I'm on the PILLS. It slows the flow, I dun see any reddy except some brownie. But my mood swings are getting worse! It swings like an active pendulum, I can be feeling positive like an innocent red riding hood but the next moment (in a matter of hours) I will start to doubt anything that I have decided on. Not only that, my appetite opens up. Yesterday, I had a big plate of rice topped with so much meat and vege that only a hungry construction worker would eat. And I finished it! For dinner, I had chicken baked rice with chef's salad. Was feeling full...but upon reaching home, I gobbled half of a blueberry bun with relish. Terrible huh! This afternoon I woke up and the first thing on my mind was, "what shall i eat later?" GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME.
To top up with all the above, I had lost my voice. I have sorethroat since last week and completely lost my speech yesterday. Now I can't speak in proper sentences without any off-key pitches. My broken voice sounds funny, coarse and rough. My sister commented over the phone in a nice way though, "you sound so sexy." DuUuuh.

Anyway, for updates, I did not go to any night spots on Saturday and stayed at home for the whole of today. Cleaned my room, did some filing for sisters and changed my bedsheets (which had been used for over 6 months). A clean environment, made me satisfied and happy with myself. Was alone for the whole day and felt so pleased. Starting to feel positive over my new business venture even though Joyce rejected to take part in it. But out of nowhere, immediately after dinner, I began to panic. Worried that I won't be able to get any downlines and my capital will be wasted. The fear of spending over such venture which not many people is passionate about made me feel stupid and foolish. So to get myself up again, I applied some jobs online and at the same time, chatted with Karan. Told her that I'm a little disheartened over the rejection and didn't feel positive in accomplishing the results in the venture. She shot back, "so you gonna back out is it?" - three times, and I felt frustrated. We argued, almost quarrelled but this sweet angel started to knock back my blocked senses. She typed all the sentences and I felt bad. Sheesh, the pills are making me so devilish, so negative and, so explosive. Luckily, we managed to resolve our displeasures and I let her in my reason for being so negative. And she's a sweet angel because she understands. Oh man, how could I be so rude to her just now!
I'm still not feeling 100% positive right now. But I should start building some self-confidence over this venture. Like she said, "never try, never know". I am never a high-risk taker but since the capital is low, I might as well try. And I want to earn extra income. If I still cannot make it after trying, at least I won't join another similar venture next time.

Aggy, stay positive! Fight against the side effects! Money can earn back! Experience should be gained! Dun be afraid! Dun let The Other affect you!
I have to motivate myself in this way. And I really hope..really really hope.. my belief in this venture won't go wrong.

Mercie.


Wednesday, July 21, 2004

ABNORMAL... 

I have a problem. My menses wouldn't stop. Today marks the 15th day of non-stop flowing and its like a 6-rated waterfall. It really unnerves me, and as a result my mood swings back and forth, pissing myself off at most times. I hate to wear panties with thick pads covering my private part, and I have been tolerating it for the past two weeks! Every morning when I open my lingerie drawer, I would touch my thongs with a longing look. Shucks. I ought to solve this irritating problem soon.

SO.. I consulted the campus docter just a moment ago. She couldn't determine any factors that cause the prolonged period of my menses flow, after questioning me twice whether I'm taking any medication - not without a "i-know-u-lied" look. YES, I am not under any medication and I'm not under severe dieting! In the end, she dismissed me off with some hormones pills to stop the flow. Just like that. All done within five minutes. My week-old irritation has just been brushed off by a doc who gave me a "no-reason-given,-dunno-why" attitude. Duh.
Not willing to give up, I text my sister (she's in oz as a registered nurse) about it. Apparently she has more information at hand! Possible factors that may cause such a symptom could be due to extreme stress, change in menstrual cycle or.. a cyst.
As for the pills given to me by the clinic, have side effects. DAMNIT, that doc assured me repeatedly (with impatience) there wont be any at all! According to sis, I might experience nausea, headache, mood swings and weight gain/loss. Oh, and definitely my menstrual cycle will change drastically. Damn damn damn! I can handle all these except weight gain! ARGH! Why is it happening to me?!! And what if its a cyst...... oh gawd!!!!

To be frank, in most times of my life I dun really have much stress. Not till to the point when my hormones are affected like now. I do have some current issues in my mind that need to be chewed on but I doubt they affect my female cycle. Right now, I have to consider a business venture, an insurance policy (that costs more than my budget allows), a possibility to obtain an Oz PR status and my relationship with Cliff. I would prefer to blame my hormones for the last issue. Cliff and I have not been on talking terms since last week. We quarrelled about the Oz PR and it led to many other things. Breakup was mentioned and things aren't looking good. Neither one of us are yielding and each maintains an obstinate stance to their own opinions. What a wreck.

Whatever it is, I hope to get my life back on track...if the damned hormones respond well to the medication (w/o gaining my weight pls!!!).

Things always happen for a reason. And I'm crossing my fingers every night to hope for a better tomorrow.

 
by the way, i managed to obtain some useful information on erratic menstral problems here: http://www.ourgyn.com/article_retrieve_printer.php?articleid=33 (it's quite useful!)




Tuesday, March 09, 2004

POX OFF!

I was missed by Claudia for days, and Marwan has been nagging me for avoiding her like a plague. Well, how can you blame me when I have not been contracted with chicken pox before, and her sons are having the yuckish pox. Man, it's highly contagious when the carrier gets close to anyone who has not contracted it before, and that, unfortunately, is me.

Come to think of it, I have successfully avoided her for a week: giving excuses for not meeting her for lunch by doing installations, doing OT, and many more. But today I have no more to be excused. She messaged me at 2pm exact and asked to meet. Luckily, when I arrived she was with Yanti and the distance between us are a long table apart. I thought I must be safe and even laughed inside when we were about to go off. BUT she dragged me back to our main office and pushed a present towards me. "Happy belated birthday! I wanted to give it to you since last week but you were busy." OOPS. Thousands of emotions filled my guilty mind and wormhole heart. You couldn't imagine how I stood there, with an expression that she couldn't comprehend at all. All I could muster out was a feeble, "Thanks..." With a childish smile she urged me to open the small and compact wrapped gift. (she even made a ribbon to go with it!) It was a nice gift indeed, something that I had mentioned ages ago and she has the heart to remember it. Then she leaned forward (towards me), and told me about some office gossips that she had collected during the past week. There I was, starting to panic, whether the disease will start spreading, going in slowly to my ears, eyes, mouth and nostrils! But what could I do? I was frozen (partly due to the guilt and due to the fact that I had nowhere to move in her cubicle) right there...all I did was to give some responses to her banter. Finally, thanks to a delivery man, I managed to 'escape'. PHEW.

Well she's really an angel... being so nice... so unassuming towards her overly-suspicisous and selfish friend. I ought to be slapped and kicked. I guess the ultimate punishment for mistreating my dear friend would be contracting the virus itself! ARGH!!!

(uh-oh... i'm feeling itchy all over.. pls assure me it's juz my paranoia....)