THE OTHER

A man runs into an old friend who had somehow never been able to make it in life. "I should give him some money," he thinks. But instead he learns that his old friend has grown rich and is actually seeking him out to repay the debts he had run up over the years.

They go to a bar they used to frequent together, and the friend buys drinks for everyone there. When they ask him how he became so successful, he answers that only until a few days ago, he had been living the role of the "Other."

"What is the Other?" they ask.

"The Other is the one who taught me what I should be like, but not what I am. The Other believes that it is our obligation to spend our entire life thinking about how to get our hands on as much money as possible so that we will not die of hunger when we are old. So we think so much about money and our plans for acquiring it that we discover we are alive only when our days on earth are practically done. And then it's too late."

"And you? Who are you?"

"I am just like everyone else who listens to their heart: a person who is enchanted by the mystery of life. Who is open to miracles, who experiences joy and enthusiasm for what they do. It's just that the Other, afraid of disappointment, kept me from taking action."

"But there is suffering in life," one of the listeners said.

"And there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in your struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what you're fighting for."

"That's it?" another listener asked.

"Yes, that's it. When I learned this, I resolved to become the person I had always wanted to be. The Other stood there in the corner of my room, watching me, but I will never let the Other into myself again - even though it has already tried to frighten me, warning me it's risky not to think about the future.

"From the moment I ousted the Other from my life, the Divine Energy began to perform its miracles."


* By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept - Paulo COELHO

STATE OF CHAOS

Question: "What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb?"
Answer: "You can't unscrew the pregnant lady."

Funny? To me, it is. Been trying to cheer myself up for the past two weeks. I dunno if it's the damned pills that make me like that but I would like to think so. The only good thing about these pills are that they really stop my menses but they play around with my moods. Thank goodness I have it under control since monday and have been feeling pleasant and totally myself again... till an hour ago. My emotions just went thru a tough rollercoaster ride. You see, I couldn't contain myself any longer so I msged Cliff about our status. That's when the ride started. It wasn't a good conversation because it didn't resolve anything and worse, I got to know he has so much hatred and negativity about me. Why? Because of the past messages I sent, hurt him deep and hard. I swear, I wasn't even cursing, scolding nor hurling abuses at him. I was only telling him how I felt and was trying to confirm my thoughts. Like I told him just now, if I can't be frank, honest and open to him, what would I be? A doll for him to bring out? I guess he still cannot accept my personality, and I, cannot accept his sensitivity? Hmmm, I really dunno.
It is heartbreaking to know that the person you love has not been happy all the while and you're the cause of it. No self-help books will do any justice to our relationship. We seem to have so many conflicting issues and we are so damn good in our sarcasms. Sigh... 
So folks, heed my advice. Do not engage in long distance relationships. Its unhealthy, unpromising and exhaustive. Mine has been spanning over more than 3 years and it's not funny. I would use the term, tumultuous. Very much, indeed.

Anyway, I have signed up the biz venture. A little apprehensive, the Other is still shadowing me. I went for the dinner with my uplines and premier last night in Borders. It was truly progressive, because Andrew cleared so much of our doubts and finally I got the idea of how this biz's scheme is. I still need to do a lot of note-taking and thinking to sort all the details out, and I gonna jot down the information neatly for my personal reference. Am expecting the pack to arrive on Friday but if Andrew submitted my application on Tuesday, I think it will only arrive next week. I do think it's not easy to earn money in this biz (as well as to recoup my capital) and this gonna change my current lifestyle. But I'm quite willing to put efforts in it, of course, if it doesn't affect my lifestyle in a negative way!
Some friends have been asking me about this biz (after reading my blogs). Well I dun think it's advisable to provide all the info here, but I will let you in a little.  It's not a product selling nor a fast-cash biz. Definitely not. It's more like a profit-sharing kinda biz. That's all! Any more details, ask me personally! Bleah!

Ok, time to sign off. Radio's playing all the songs that hit my nerves. "I Dun Wanna Know", "Emotions", "I Dun Want You Back", "(So much for) My Happy Ending", "If I Ain't Got You"...etc. Irritating.

By the way, I have trimmed my hair short. REAL SHORT and it's not nice. Sigh, I always do that when I'm troubled. Like most people say, snip off your problems and drink your troubles away. Maybe I shall get myself pissed drunk this weekend.

May The Force Be With Me.

I, PENDULUM

Let me tell you how well I have been faring during the past few days, when I'm on the PILLS. It slows the flow, I dun see any reddy except some brownie. But my mood swings are getting worse! It swings like an active pendulum, I can be feeling positive like an innocent red riding hood but the next moment (in a matter of hours) I will start to doubt anything that I have decided on. Not only that, my appetite opens up. Yesterday, I had a big plate of rice topped with so much meat and vege that only a hungry construction worker would eat. And I finished it! For dinner, I had chicken baked rice with chef's salad. Was feeling full...but upon reaching home, I gobbled half of a blueberry bun with relish. Terrible huh! This afternoon I woke up and the first thing on my mind was, "what shall i eat later?" GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME.
To top up with all the above, I had lost my voice. I have sorethroat since last week and completely lost my speech yesterday. Now I can't speak in proper sentences without any off-key pitches. My broken voice sounds funny, coarse and rough. My sister commented over the phone in a nice way though, "you sound so sexy." DuUuuh.

Anyway, for updates, I did not go to any night spots on Saturday and stayed at home for the whole of today. Cleaned my room, did some filing for sisters and changed my bedsheets (which had been used for over 6 months). A clean environment, made me satisfied and happy with myself. Was alone for the whole day and felt so pleased. Starting to feel positive over my new business venture even though Joyce rejected to take part in it. But out of nowhere, immediately after dinner, I began to panic. Worried that I won't be able to get any downlines and my capital will be wasted. The fear of spending over such venture which not many people is passionate about made me feel stupid and foolish. So to get myself up again, I applied some jobs online and at the same time, chatted with Karan. Told her that I'm a little disheartened over the rejection and didn't feel positive in accomplishing the results in the venture. She shot back, "so you gonna back out is it?" - three times, and I felt frustrated. We argued, almost quarrelled but this sweet angel started to knock back my blocked senses. She typed all the sentences and I felt bad. Sheesh, the pills are making me so devilish, so negative and, so explosive. Luckily, we managed to resolve our displeasures and I let her in my reason for being so negative. And she's a sweet angel because she understands. Oh man, how could I be so rude to her just now!
I'm still not feeling 100% positive right now. But I should start building some self-confidence over this venture. Like she said, "never try, never know". I am never a high-risk taker but since the capital is low, I might as well try. And I want to earn extra income. If I still cannot make it after trying, at least I won't join another similar venture next time.

Aggy, stay positive! Fight against the side effects! Money can earn back! Experience should be gained! Dun be afraid! Dun let The Other affect you!
I have to motivate myself in this way. And I really hope..really really hope.. my belief in this venture won't go wrong.

Mercie.

ABNORMAL... 

I have a problem. My menses wouldn't stop. Today marks the 15th day of non-stop flowing and its like a 6-rated waterfall. It really unnerves me, and as a result my mood swings back and forth, pissing myself off at most times. I hate to wear panties with thick pads covering my private part, and I have been tolerating it for the past two weeks! Every morning when I open my lingerie drawer, I would touch my thongs with a longing look. Shucks. I ought to solve this irritating problem soon.

SO.. I consulted the campus docter just a moment ago. She couldn't determine any factors that cause the prolonged period of my menses flow, after questioning me twice whether I'm taking any medication - not without a "i-know-u-lied" look. YES, I am not under any medication and I'm not under severe dieting! In the end, she dismissed me off with some hormones pills to stop the flow. Just like that. All done within five minutes. My week-old irritation has just been brushed off by a doc who gave me a "no-reason-given,-dunno-why" attitude. Duh.
Not willing to give up, I text my sister (she's in oz as a registered nurse) about it. Apparently she has more information at hand! Possible factors that may cause such a symptom could be due to extreme stress, change in menstrual cycle or.. a cyst.
As for the pills given to me by the clinic, have side effects. DAMNIT, that doc assured me repeatedly (with impatience) there wont be any at all! According to sis, I might experience nausea, headache, mood swings and weight gain/loss. Oh, and definitely my menstrual cycle will change drastically. Damn damn damn! I can handle all these except weight gain! ARGH! Why is it happening to me?!! And what if its a cyst...... oh gawd!!!!

To be frank, in most times of my life I dun really have much stress. Not till to the point when my hormones are affected like now. I do have some current issues in my mind that need to be chewed on but I doubt they affect my female cycle. Right now, I have to consider a business venture, an insurance policy (that costs more than my budget allows), a possibility to obtain an Oz PR status and my relationship with Cliff. I would prefer to blame my hormones for the last issue. Cliff and I have not been on talking terms since last week. We quarrelled about the Oz PR and it led to many other things. Breakup was mentioned and things aren't looking good. Neither one of us are yielding and each maintains an obstinate stance to their own opinions. What a wreck.

Whatever it is, I hope to get my life back on track...if the damned hormones respond well to the medication (w/o gaining my weight pls!!!).

Things always happen for a reason. And I'm crossing my fingers every night to hope for a better tomorrow.

 
by the way, i managed to obtain some useful information on erratic menstral problems here: http://www.ourgyn.com/article_retrieve_printer.php?articleid=33 (it's quite useful!)