I had a dream last night. I woke up with my eyes bright and body trembling with fear. The inexplicable sense of helplessness carried from the dreams to reality. My voice was buried deep even though it was crying out loud in the realm.
In the dream, Cliff was dumping me for another woman. He explained point by point on why he preferred her, how he likes his life to be with her in it. He said all these with a contented smile, like he has found true happiness and calmly sharing it with me. That woman smashed a car's window when she saw us together, I was getting hysteric with my world spinning at the edge of a cliff. He also told me that it was a mistake when he had sex with her but realized she is his true love. I was asking so many questions that I couldn't even remember how the truth came about. I was wailing and angry for being dumped again, I was so sad that depression sank deep into my soul and felt so alone in the shadows that darkness swallowed me in fury. And my thoughts went out to friends.. then blank.
I woke up in the middle of night. My mind was filled with the remains of the dream; his confessions, his coldness and my friends. Then I realized, I have lost my friends throughout the years.
My life has narrowed to Cliff and I, our work and colleagues. I don't have new bonds, I don't want to advance friendships to new level. I want to avoid being hurt by friends again. I close my social circle sub-consciously.
Two days ago, I had the unexplainable urge to get connected with my old friends again and to compensate for all the things that had upset them before. I wrote to Alvin and Mike. I still lack of courage to touch base with Angela, Joyce, Aubrey and Amabel. My past trauma has affected so many people around me that ever since then one by one left my circle. I turned my focus to Cliff and nothing else mattered. I devoted my love and attention to him, only him because I promise to make it work. But I lost my friends.
I was upset with Cliff over a recent betrayal and started questioning my existence in this relationship. Is it worth it? Far away from my family and losing my friends.. Do I have to blame my relationship for these?
There was an incident occurred that warrants an indefinite cut of two friendships. It happened 2 months ago and no one talks about it anymore. But I'm still bothered, irritated and fuming. It's just so difficult for me to warm up to them again. I'll talk about it in my next post.