OF FRIENDS AND FOE

I had a dream last night. I woke up with my eyes bright and body trembling with fear. The inexplicable sense of helplessness carried from the dreams to reality. My voice was buried deep even though it was crying out loud in the realm.


In the dream, Cliff was dumping me for another woman. He explained point by point on why he preferred her, how he likes his life to be with her in it. He said all these with a contented smile, like he has found true happiness and calmly sharing it with me. That woman smashed a car's window when she saw us together, I was getting hysteric with my world spinning at the edge of a cliff. He also told me that it was a mistake when he had sex with her but realized she is his true love. I was asking so many questions that I couldn't even remember how the truth came about. I was wailing and angry for being dumped again, I was so sad that depression sank deep into my soul and felt so alone in the shadows that darkness swallowed me in fury. And my thoughts went out to friends.. then blank.


I woke up in the middle of night. My mind was filled with the remains of the dream; his confessions, his coldness and my friends. Then I realized, I have lost my friends throughout the years.


My life has narrowed to Cliff and I, our work and colleagues. I don't have new bonds, I don't want to advance friendships to new level. I want to avoid being hurt by friends again. I close my social circle sub-consciously.


Two days ago, I had the unexplainable urge to get connected with my old friends again and to compensate for all the things that had upset them before. I wrote to Alvin and Mike. I still lack of courage to touch base with Angela, Joyce, Aubrey and Amabel. My past trauma has affected so many people around me that ever since then one by one left my circle. I turned my focus to Cliff and nothing else mattered. I devoted my love and attention to him, only him because I promise to make it work. But I lost my friends.


I was upset with Cliff over a recent betrayal and started questioning my existence in this relationship. Is it worth it? Far away from my family and losing my friends.. Do I have to blame my relationship for these?


There was an incident occurred that warrants an indefinite cut of two friendships. It happened 2 months ago and no one talks about it anymore. But I'm still bothered, irritated and fuming. It's just so difficult for me to warm up to them again. I'll talk about it in my next post.

By The River

By the river stood a tree.
A strong solid oak rooted deep.
One day it heard the cry of a wounded sparrow
that had clipped a wing in a vicious fight.
The predators of the night were circling below.
Looking for prey.
The solid oak reached down with a branch
scooping up his new found friend
carrying her into the safety of the sky.
For days they played.
Until the sparrow's wing healed.
And she tested flight and flew away.
Never to return?
The tree felt sadness.
And then betrayal.
And then incredible shame,
as it realized.
The little sparrow could give nothing
that it hadn't already given.
It was the tree
who was in debt.

Emotions - Destiny's Child

It's over and done
But the heartache lives on inside
And who's the one you're clinging to
Instead of me tonight?

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song
But if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight

I'm there at your side,
I'm part of all the things you are
But you've got a part of someone else
You've got to find your shining star

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song
But if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight

AFTERWORD

I wrote it on 2nd October 2008, hours before we had the talk. He had same thinking and that was how we ended our 9 years' relationship.

...

How long can our love last without causing pain to each other?
When we develop negativities in our minds, we lost sight of the important thing in our lives. As I said before, perhaps love has dissipated long ago. What we have, what we hold now, could only be fear?

Fear.

We see each other everyday but we don’t talk about love. Our faces are masked with dirt; we have forgotten how to clean our faces and thus losing focus on our very own relationship.

Nine years is not an eternity. We are only afraid of losing the memories, the things we used to cherish and bond together.

Now that we have come to this stage, how do we move forward in our lives? We need to rebuild and rediscover ourselves in order to gain self-respect, self-trust, honesty and integrity. With much sadness in my heart, I believe this has to be done with us being apart.

Leaving.

Our story is not unwritten. When there’s prologue, there will be epilogue. Our tears wet the pages, our anger tore the paragraphs and our love defined every word. We are afraid to write the last chapter, which should have been written many years ago. If there’s no ending, there won’t be any new beginnings.

Renew.

We will be better people in the future. I have learnt so much from this; it’s hard to recount back all the experiences we had shared because it’s still painful to be nostalgic. When we have advanced deeper into our own lives, our past will look beautiful. A tinge of longing will remain but it will be verve of bittersweet taste that brings on a smile. I hope to see that in both of us.

LET GO

I asked for space but he found another woman. Maybe this is the space he’s giving me. He tells lies after lies, coating me with promises and love. When I look back, maybe it’s time to move forward.

This love is withering; perhaps it has died long ago.

When I cannot believe words he said, trust has vanished into thin air. It’s painful to know he spent time with her and forgotten my presence. Time will heal my wounds but it will never remove the nightmares playing their scenes over and over in my head.

I’m leaving, emotionally and physically. To be alone without feeling loneliness. Or can I feel anymore? Perhaps not.

My door is locked. Never again to allow any pain to penetrate through.


Poem from Sharon Au's blog;
I will smile again, but it'll be after dark clouds have lifted from my sky.

Smile though your heart is aching
smile even though it’s breaking
when there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by
if you smile through your fear and sorrow
smile and maybe tomorrow
you’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
hide every trace of sadness
although a tear may be ever so near
that’s the time you must keep on trying
smile, what’s the use of crying?

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
if you just smile.

MAYBE TOMORROW /stereophonics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eX3KrXFAsd0

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

a little depressed.. very much suppressed.. i'm wondering why.

REFRESHED AND RENEWED, I HOPE.

Ever since the saga with Cliff, i have refrained from blogging. In a way it has exposed parts of our private lives to the public, even though I'm okay doesn't mean he's fine with it.

Thus, I have to be careful here.

I'm in Singapore for almost two weeks now and will be departing on 18th evening. Initially I left KL with great reluctance because I will miss my daily routine, but this feeling is mounted due to not knowing what to expect in Singapore.

However I am going to leave this fine city in greater resistance. It's the first time for the past one year I have truly relaxed and feel connected with my family and friends. Not only that, I am starting to appreciate all the things this land offers me. There have been changes among my loved ones and the city.. but I understand time and change co-exist together.

Thoughts are forming incessantly in my mind to move back. There are many issues to settle if I gonna make it happen.. current job, new career, cliff, cats...

I think I'm standing in front of crossroad again :(

Leaving home this friday, bringing additions of happy memories and some regrets that will remain deep in my heart.

GUILT

7th May 2006.

Grumpie passed away. Last I checked, her feet were free from mites but she was losing feathers around the neck. We were preparing to bring her to the vet in the late afternoon but it was too late.

She was such a lovely budgie yet she suffered so much. I neglected her health and my poor knowledge has caused her death. By the time my slow senses came alive that she needed help, her soul took off to heaven.

I'm so sorry, Grumpie. Please forgive your lousy owner.

Hope you're reunited with Starsky, Hutchie and Sushie in rainbow bridge under God's care. And I promise to all of you, my dear budgies, that I will not keep any birds from now on. Nor will I attempt to neglect any of my pets.

Keeping my word in honour.

A PAIR OF KITTENS

Say hi to Maya and Dewey.



Both of them came from the same parent and they have the same nose :)

Currently isolated from my cats due to lice problem, we keep them in the guest room and play with them whenever we can. Hopefully by end of next week they will be in pink of health and able to roam freely around the house.

Maya
She's the daring one, on the third day we brought them back she tried ways to slip out from the room. Ignoring Aramis, she could zoom out to the stairway before I caught hold of her. We notice that she's born with happy-go-lucky character and loves to cuddle.

Dewey
We're supposed to name him Russ, special request from Adrian. But after few days we figured the name just doesn't suit him so we changed to Dewey. By comparison, this fella is not a risk taker. He wouldn't attempt to do anything and prefers to let Maya take the lead. We can also sense he wants to be the dominant male in the house. Even Stitch is afraid of his growls and hissings.

As for Aramis, he has been spending a lot of time checking them out even though it's through closed door. He would put his paw through the opening and Maya would respond back. It's a good sign because Cliff has the intention to mate them once they reach the matured age. I wonder how their children will look like.. hmmm.

Will post more photos of my pets soon.

Ta!

I'D SAY IT'S BAD KHARMA

I survived the weekend with my relatives but I am guilty for not spending more time with mom. I was extremely tired on Friday and Saturday to the point I dozed off while talking to her on the couch. Sunday was good though, but my aunt took a huge chunk of quality time away from me while I had my hair cut and colored in another aunt's salon.

Talking about my hair.. It's been 6 months since I had it trimmed. Needless to say the style and length gone out of play and I took more time to create the best look than ironing my shirts. Therefore, I took the plunge by asking my aunt to snip away my dull hair. Adding an inch of courage I asked for coloring. Cousin pointed to a poster on the wall - the model has lustrious long hair, colored with mahogany and strips of light brown. I was honestly awed by his good choice and went for it. But when the towel lifted off all I could see was a lion's head.

IT'S FREAKING YELLOW!

I contained myself to a perfect score and everyone bought it.. till I reached home and whined to my mom. She maintained that it's unique and fresh. FRESH?! I look like a lalamui! I'm like a flashing beacon for goodness sake! Though the cut is satisfactory but coloring casts me in a total different image. Oh gosh.

AND MY COUSIN STAINED MY MISS SELFRIDGE SHIRT.
argh!!!!

It was the communication. On one hand I insisted on the exact color combination by pointing at the poster, the other hand my cousin told his mom that I wanted brown. Yellow and brown are two different colors!

On the phone I informed Cliff that I made my trip to Susan's Salon. He made a tiny "ah" sound and that was all. Afraid to divulge further I gave him a false impression that all went well, even encouraged him to try it next time since I only paid RM100. Wait till he sees me on Thursday.. weekend would be spending time at home cos he wouldn't want to be seen together with a self-declared blonde. Haha.

Goodbye Ms Coolhead. Sigh.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Many things happened lately.

Work
After two weeks' deliberation I have finally sent word to agency to renew my contract for another year. I also learnt that instead of seeing it as a recurring stupidity, it might be actually a blessing. Two colleagues were told their services won't be needed in another 2 months' time.
I was shocked. Given their senority I thought the much sought-after FTC will be in their hands without doubts. I guess this assumption adds salt to their wounds.

Family
Mom will be visiting tomorrow. She will be here to keep me company because Cliff will be in Sipadan for 5 days. It was all in good faith and happiness till Mom insisted on visiting relatives for two days.
TWO DAYS! It was unbearable to even think about it that I blurted my concerns without processing through my brains. She didn't call back for a week and when she did, it wasn't a friendly tone. Gosh, tell me about committments and meeting relatives is one of my fear factors!

On another hand, or rather in another country, my sis is battling ugly breakup from her boyfriend. Based on her stories, it's a never-ending drama series that can last for several seasons. First the frequent quarrels, then fights and advanced to police, restraining order, courts. My sis never stop shedding tears from the start till the end of their stormy relationship.
All I can say is.. a good lesson learnt but damn messy to untangle.

Cats
Aramis has grown in length and size but he's still a midget by normal standards. His fur is getting wilder though not fluffy enough. In other words, it looks like he will be having bad hair day for the rest of his life.

Oh.. we have new members, Maya and Dewey! Thanks to Adrian, we adopted them from his neighbour whom has too many cats in their house and they are really bad in taking care of them. Both of them have so many lice and lice-eggs on their bodies that it itches me to talk about it. Had since sent them to the vet and currently being separated from my three brats in another room. This will remain so till they are in the pink of health, or rather, lice-free :)

I will upload their pictures soon. And shall see how I'm gonna get screwed by my mom tomorrow when she sees them.. *gulp*

MY BABIES

Ladies and gentleman, meet Aramis.. the youngest member in the family.


Born on 24th December 2005. Mixed mainecoon-persian (DSLH)
Mild temperament but very naughty. Looked up to Stitch as his brother and regards Tiger as discipline master. Not to forget Grumpie as his constant prey.


Stitch (DSH)

He's currently in heat. Making awful lots of noise, restless and looking sullen since his masters refuse to let him out.


Tiger (DSH)

The ever-wise cat in the house. Always gentle with humans. Cliff's dad even have thoughts to bring him back to KK!


Lastly, our soulful widow, Grumpie, allows us to touch and hold her without much resistance. She's always perched on the apple mirror looking at her own reflection. Loneliness creeps in..



~ I LOVE THEM ALL! MUACKS!

HELLO.. GOODBYE

Starsky passed away last night.



We found his body in the food dish. His eyes were wide-opened and the way it was positioned, seemed to me that Starsky had a sudden death. He was either enjoying his supper or maybe he had fallen from the branch right into the heaps of seeds.

Cliff woke me up during the night to let me have one last look at him. As we squatted there looking at the body resting inside the cage, none of us spoke. Grumpie was still perching on the branch, looking grey. I wonder what was Starsky's last words to her.

I can't understand why he died, all along he seems to be a figher among the budgies we bought to replace his partner. But when Jas blurted that it could be the attack of bird flu, I was motified.. because I'm having a slight flu right now :-/

Can't help feeling bitter-sweet. Two days ago we have welcomed the arrival of our cute kitten, Aramis.. the very next day Mr Starsky departed this world to reach for the stars.

Sigh.

FLY AWAY

New calendars, fresh page, chapters waiting to be turned, experiences to be gained and learned.. it's a bloody new year.

Refreshing? My arse, smell my fart please.

I want to turn back the time and go through the whole of 2005 again, and again and again. Especially to improve my time management skills, in order to spend more time with my family and amabel, my cousin.

She left for states late last night.
Another region, bloody thousand miles away from me.
With no plans to return.

Against everyone's wish, the departure was teary and heartbreaking.
Actually she started to cry when we were in QBar on 31st Dec 05, and I followed suit by dropping few big tears inside the pub. That night it was emo over amo.
And on the first day of 2006, we had to send her off late at night. She was edgy with quick smiles. I was prepared for a friendly farewell but the moment she wailed, tears welled up my eyes and my face was all wet when she made the final goodbye and exited out of my sight.

Everyone was red on the face.

How could we not, when all we have now are dark clouds and shadows without her beams of rays. She's always positive, obliging, inquisitive and full of imagination. Not to mention a very engaging, sociable and cheeky gal. Now, without her I feel terribly lost.. and horribly miserable.

I thought I could handle it. But I still get emotional whenever I think about you. I was afraid to cry, afraid to show my sadness in the public.. even in front of you. But I let out at the last moment and I want you to know that my heart is breaking over and over again.

I'm sorry there were times I was mad at you for small issues. I'm sorry I scolded you when you were 12 years old - greatly traumatized and you avoided me for so many years. I'm sorry if I made you feel like a kid or even made snide remarks at you.
I'm aware of how you feel, any tiniest emotions flashed across your face never escape my eyes but most of the times I refuse to acknowledge them because I am selfish-selfish-selfish..

Now that you're gone, words are just words..

Cliff said you'll be back, definitely, you'll come back.
I hope so........

*I MISS U*

356KM AGAIN

Will be spending Christmas with my family in Singapore.

Happy Holidays.

HOW'S LIFE?

The diving trip to Pangkor is cancelled.

They changed the date to the weekend that I'm supposed to return home for Christmas and I chose to celebrate this festive season with my family over schools of fish and colorful corals.

I know Cliff is upset; he's taking his time to get over it till Wai Meng proposed the Mabul trip in April. Without any hesitation my fella committed himself by booking the flight for two pax, a decision that wasn't being offered for discussion.

So I HAVE to go; despite the disturbing fact that I'm lacking in proper certification and poor confidence in diving.

Two weeks ago we have resolved our grey area by talking about my lacklustre interest in scuba diving against his. Ever since the Tioman, he has this immense force to dive, dive, dive and achieve great heights to become divemaster, or even diving instructor. My only motivation is to purge away my fear of the great ocean and recently I begin to perceive it as more to doing it for his sake.

We all know how passion drives an individual to change.

Back to where I have started; since Charlie arranged otherwise, Cliff is contented with the Mabul trip that promises great varieties of fish, corals and mountiful dive adventures. I'm still not sure about myself because I'm currently in 'neutral buoyancy'. The only worrying factor is the amount of money that will be spent next year. We are supposed to travel to Korea, climb KK mountain, visit his sister in Germany.. all to be accomplished by July. Then came the proposals of diving in Lang Tengah, Mabul and anywhere that is ranked as dive site. My concern is the diminishing savings in my SG bank that's being used for my SG home maintenance. Once it's all gone I would have to fork out my own salary and send it back on a monthly basis.

The other day he compared about his sister's dowry against my mom's casual suggestion (on my dowry IF we gonna marry) and be it mine or the actual fact, I could sense his slight depression. Yes we all know how much SGD6000 means in ringgit currency. However I have no wish to wear the wedding band anytime now or in the near future. I could tell him, right on that spot, to rest easy and pursue his personal indulgences but somehow words failed me and I left it as that.

Just like what Marwan had asked; to seek life or to make lives - to travel or to try for a baby? I advised him the latter because he's happily married for almost 2 years. But I always wonder if I would have done the same, because my life is full of uncertainities. To-date the only risk I took was leaving my beloved family behind in order to seek a possibility, which has changed my whole world of perspections from the day I live with him. I grew to know myself better and have been gaining a lot more knowledge on couplehood. We're trying to cope with each other's shortcomings.. yet somehow there's a distance between us that can't be bridged across.

To love others, you must first love yourself - I do; but not without doubts.

Life is made up by a sum of all your choices. What are you doing?

SHOO

Am in one of those foulfuckin' moods.

I'm sick of soft-packed menthols.
Visibly irritated by citibank's incompetence.
Getting tired of greeting dumb-asses in the office.
Pissed at maggots rubbing michelle's back.

Am hating everything now and I swear I gonna slaughter anyone that steps on my tail.

Watch me.

UPDATES

Bought these recently.. beadybeads... I like them!

She's my cousin and in reality she's a little jappie. Full of energy and bubbles she's never afraid to break the ice. We were in one of my many cousins' wedding (unfortunately it's a shotgun's) and most of us were restless. My jappie started to holler up and down the tables nosily and I managed to snatch her for in-betweens :-)

SPLISH-SPLASH

I'm back without the PADI Open Water certificate.
Instead I was given the PADI Scuba Dive because I couldn't withstand the cold temperature in the water.



What's the difference between these two?
PADI OW gives you the privilege of diving as deep as 18m with a buddy independently whereas PADI SD only allows you to dive to a maximum of 12m with the presence of a divemaster.

It's a shame that I failed to make the mark. However I managed to overcome my phobia and just when I thought I have achieved my personal velocity, my physical disability killed the joy.
I went through all the theories, grasped the general rules and techniques of diving... but it was a different story in confined water. I struggled with my buoyancy and tried my best to control my breathing through the regulator. It's not easy to breathe with your mouth all the time, especially when the air you breathed was limited and artificial. Moreover you were few metres deep underwater with a possibility of drowning, should you screw-up your equipment.

On the first dive, I shivered so badly that breathing started to get irregular and my pee just couldn't release out to warm my body. When we came up, I was given sharp pointers by instructor on how to get it right for the second dive. By then my ears were full of seawater that I couldn't think straight. Blame it on me, as I didn't equalize properly when we descended. The second day I braced myself for the lesson and performed pretty well... until coldness seeped in. I started to shiver and it affected my buoyancy. I guess it irritated Buda (instructor) and he cut short the dive. During the break he politely suggested that I should stop and be certified as PADI Scuba Diver. What can I say? He pointed out that I had hindered the progress of his modules and Clifford was diving like a pro.
So I gave up and Cliff completed the course without a hitch.



Even though I was discouraged/disheartened/disappointed, I congratulated myself on the success of diminishing my phobia. It was a good experience. Looking at the fish at 8m underwater with my mask was like admiring them through an aquarium. I saw jellyfish, sea cucumbers, weird-looking corals, zebrafish, rainbow fish and farms of sea urchins. Though I didn't get to see larger fish I think this is my new beginning. I want to see more, I yearn to swim with the turtles, I wish I can touch anemones...

But I'm still not comfortable in the water world and I have lost huge amount of confidence in diving. I was ostracized by Buda and Drew with fake smiles and cold demeanor. Nothing could describe my feelings during the last two days of my stay. Buda made it worse with his sarcasms and I REALLY DETEST HIM.

In any way, Cliff encourages me to give it another try by engaging Charlie's help. And never again will I return to Buda for the course, this fat botak irks me with his larger-than-life boostings and incessant self-indulgence.

Diving aside, we enjoyed our week's stay in Tioman. We miss the sound of seawaves lapping the shores, the velvety clear blue sea, the beautiful sunsets and lovely cats. We got up close and personal with some of the kuchings and named them as 'Gingerbread', 'ShortBlack', 'TomCat', 'Ginger', 'CactusTail', 'HotMama', 'Blackie'. They occupied most of our free time.. as there isn't any nightlife in Panuba. It's a private beach and reaching to other villages requires sea taxis (inconsistent availiability still perplexes me) or a minimum of an hour's trekking in the dense jungle. In Panuba we also witnessed the appearances of snake and monitor lizard. For city dwellers like me, it was quite an encounter that you can't compare to those in the zoo :)



shortblack and gingerbread

In one way or another, the whole diving adventure marred the vacation. But I'm still thankful to be given the chance to explore the underwater world that I'm always afraid of.

Thus, it's...

A for efforts and F for fucked-up certificate

:P


(more photos will be uploaded to online album.. soon)

VACATION

Coming monday I will be heading to tioman island for diving!
I know I'm ichthyophobia , that's why I'm trying to overcome this stupid fear of mine.
Hopefully I will come back in one complete piece. Pray for me!



currently in love with KT Tunstall - Other Side Of The World