STATE OF CHAOS

Question: "What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb?"
Answer: "You can't unscrew the pregnant lady."

Funny? To me, it is. Been trying to cheer myself up for the past two weeks. I dunno if it's the damned pills that make me like that but I would like to think so. The only good thing about these pills are that they really stop my menses but they play around with my moods. Thank goodness I have it under control since monday and have been feeling pleasant and totally myself again... till an hour ago. My emotions just went thru a tough rollercoaster ride. You see, I couldn't contain myself any longer so I msged Cliff about our status. That's when the ride started. It wasn't a good conversation because it didn't resolve anything and worse, I got to know he has so much hatred and negativity about me. Why? Because of the past messages I sent, hurt him deep and hard. I swear, I wasn't even cursing, scolding nor hurling abuses at him. I was only telling him how I felt and was trying to confirm my thoughts. Like I told him just now, if I can't be frank, honest and open to him, what would I be? A doll for him to bring out? I guess he still cannot accept my personality, and I, cannot accept his sensitivity? Hmmm, I really dunno.
It is heartbreaking to know that the person you love has not been happy all the while and you're the cause of it. No self-help books will do any justice to our relationship. We seem to have so many conflicting issues and we are so damn good in our sarcasms. Sigh... 
So folks, heed my advice. Do not engage in long distance relationships. Its unhealthy, unpromising and exhaustive. Mine has been spanning over more than 3 years and it's not funny. I would use the term, tumultuous. Very much, indeed.

Anyway, I have signed up the biz venture. A little apprehensive, the Other is still shadowing me. I went for the dinner with my uplines and premier last night in Borders. It was truly progressive, because Andrew cleared so much of our doubts and finally I got the idea of how this biz's scheme is. I still need to do a lot of note-taking and thinking to sort all the details out, and I gonna jot down the information neatly for my personal reference. Am expecting the pack to arrive on Friday but if Andrew submitted my application on Tuesday, I think it will only arrive next week. I do think it's not easy to earn money in this biz (as well as to recoup my capital) and this gonna change my current lifestyle. But I'm quite willing to put efforts in it, of course, if it doesn't affect my lifestyle in a negative way!
Some friends have been asking me about this biz (after reading my blogs). Well I dun think it's advisable to provide all the info here, but I will let you in a little.  It's not a product selling nor a fast-cash biz. Definitely not. It's more like a profit-sharing kinda biz. That's all! Any more details, ask me personally! Bleah!

Ok, time to sign off. Radio's playing all the songs that hit my nerves. "I Dun Wanna Know", "Emotions", "I Dun Want You Back", "(So much for) My Happy Ending", "If I Ain't Got You"...etc. Irritating.

By the way, I have trimmed my hair short. REAL SHORT and it's not nice. Sigh, I always do that when I'm troubled. Like most people say, snip off your problems and drink your troubles away. Maybe I shall get myself pissed drunk this weekend.

May The Force Be With Me.