TOP TEN NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS THAT DON'T WORK

1. I SOLEMNLY SWEAR... TO QUIT SMOKING
- probably the mother of all resolutions that don't EVER work, but you're allowed to feel good for trying for, like, 2 hours.

2. TO CUT DOWN ON THE ALCOHOL AND OTHER STIMULANTS
- all you have to do is make friends with old folks and nuns and you'll be just fine.

2. TO LOSE WEIGHT
- yeah, uhuh. fat chance.

3. TO START EXERCISING AND LIVING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE
- enroll yourself in an overpriced gym only to quit a couple of months down the line. isn't that what everybody does?

4. TO BE KIND TO OTHERS
- how long can you seriously bite your tongue, punch walls and throw objects just to be nice?

5. TO GIVE MORE TO CHARITY
- instead of buying that pack of cigarettes, why not give that money for some goodwill. but you'd rather not...

6. TO STOP LYING
- you're lying right now.

7. TO STOP JERKING OFF AT WORK
- those with cubicles probably have a harder time with this one.

8. TO STICK TO MY BUDGET
- budgets are meant to be stretched, aren't they?

9. TO BE PUNCTUAL
- isn't it a national past time not to be punctual?

10. TO KEEP TO LAST YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
- why think of new ones when you've got old ones to work with?