MY CHOICE, MY LIFE

Right, it's year 2005. Past the millenium craze, five years into the new century. Feeling older and hopefully wiser, I need to set a new direction for my bumpless life.

Went to KL in mid-December for New Year countdown but fireworks were dampened by the raging tsunami. All outdoor parties were cancelled in Malaysia. But we managed to witness a spontaneous event held in one of the Bangsar streets. People were spraying confetti and fake snow at passerbys and vehicles, causing the street to look like the terrible aftermath of tsunami in Phuket, except the street was full of empty cans, colorful confetti and slippery road.

Came back feeling refreshed and ready to take on any shit, I was asked to head back to KL for a job interview. So there I went again, in mid-January and had a casual meeting with the guy. I was feeling good, hopeful actually, after 1.5 hours of Q&A. But during the journey back to Singapore, I had more than enough time to slowly reflect the nitty-gritty details that happened during the interview. That was when I realized not only had I made stupid mistakes, I had made myself appear desperate, lack of confidence and insincere. I fell into his web of tricky questions like a dumb fly. ARGH!

Anyway, these two recent trips to KL allowed me to spend more time with Cliff. However, as a saying goes, a couple may click well together but may not be the same when they live together. We had some adaptibility issues during my second trip.
1) He doesn't trust my cooking skills; 2) We couldn't compromise on the type of things to do together.
Tacky isn't it? It wasn't that bad until two of us blew it off during a phone conversation yesterday. The effects were shocking. He mentioned the ultimatium which pissed me off totally. Though we had agreed to sweep the angry words into the chute this morning, I am acutely aware that the issues won't disappear just like that. There might be a sequel. Hmmm.

Sometimes I don't know where I'm heading. There are choices opening up for me: new life in KL; further studies; new job in Singapore. Most of the nights I will indulge my time in thinking of all the possibilities for my better future and can almost imagine myself standing on a dusty road that spreads into several small roads, like a fork. I am afraid, worried whatever road I take will end up in a future that doesn't fulfil my expectations. Ain't a risk taker but this time, it is inevitable for me to take a step into the unknown.

Oh ye, today marks the 5th year anniversary of my working life in the current company. No sense of satisfaction nor achievement.. but a terrible feeling of dread and fear.