HOW'S LIFE?

The diving trip to Pangkor is cancelled.

They changed the date to the weekend that I'm supposed to return home for Christmas and I chose to celebrate this festive season with my family over schools of fish and colorful corals.

I know Cliff is upset; he's taking his time to get over it till Wai Meng proposed the Mabul trip in April. Without any hesitation my fella committed himself by booking the flight for two pax, a decision that wasn't being offered for discussion.

So I HAVE to go; despite the disturbing fact that I'm lacking in proper certification and poor confidence in diving.

Two weeks ago we have resolved our grey area by talking about my lacklustre interest in scuba diving against his. Ever since the Tioman, he has this immense force to dive, dive, dive and achieve great heights to become divemaster, or even diving instructor. My only motivation is to purge away my fear of the great ocean and recently I begin to perceive it as more to doing it for his sake.

We all know how passion drives an individual to change.

Back to where I have started; since Charlie arranged otherwise, Cliff is contented with the Mabul trip that promises great varieties of fish, corals and mountiful dive adventures. I'm still not sure about myself because I'm currently in 'neutral buoyancy'. The only worrying factor is the amount of money that will be spent next year. We are supposed to travel to Korea, climb KK mountain, visit his sister in Germany.. all to be accomplished by July. Then came the proposals of diving in Lang Tengah, Mabul and anywhere that is ranked as dive site. My concern is the diminishing savings in my SG bank that's being used for my SG home maintenance. Once it's all gone I would have to fork out my own salary and send it back on a monthly basis.

The other day he compared about his sister's dowry against my mom's casual suggestion (on my dowry IF we gonna marry) and be it mine or the actual fact, I could sense his slight depression. Yes we all know how much SGD6000 means in ringgit currency. However I have no wish to wear the wedding band anytime now or in the near future. I could tell him, right on that spot, to rest easy and pursue his personal indulgences but somehow words failed me and I left it as that.

Just like what Marwan had asked; to seek life or to make lives - to travel or to try for a baby? I advised him the latter because he's happily married for almost 2 years. But I always wonder if I would have done the same, because my life is full of uncertainities. To-date the only risk I took was leaving my beloved family behind in order to seek a possibility, which has changed my whole world of perspections from the day I live with him. I grew to know myself better and have been gaining a lot more knowledge on couplehood. We're trying to cope with each other's shortcomings.. yet somehow there's a distance between us that can't be bridged across.

To love others, you must first love yourself - I do; but not without doubts.

Life is made up by a sum of all your choices. What are you doing?