SOBER UP? MAYBE.

Do you know? Do you know?

Do you know at all?

How my life spiral down to neverending mess?

I love a man called Clifford. I love him for all of my 11 years. Never falter even when I was at my most vulnerable moment. He left me for a younger intellectual woman two years ago. In the end he turned back, and I accepted. At that time I was at my world's end. I was literally flung to the pit and sinking with no restraints. I love him. We gave it a chance.

We had the 3rd honeymoon period, despite not going anywhere on our own, we had the best of the sweetest days after patching back. It ended without expecting for the worst. We resumed back to mundane life and I was happy, albeit the chunk of jealousy and deep suspicion he will leave me again. Though the days were not passed without a single speck of doubt from me, we were happy. Or I should say, I was happy.

Now, I am in great despair.

We had a brief discussion before. Never ended with any definite opinion from him. But today I got what I wanted. I received his full attention and his honest opinion. Because of the house he bought, given this as the main reason, I am advised to head back to Singapore to extend my PR and save money. The "best" part is, I am to save enough money to reduce the renovation loan AND TO HELP PAY THE MONTHLY HOUSE LOAN INSTALLMENT. On top of that, we both know I have to pay a monthly of RM2000 for Singapore flat and household expenditure.

GREAT. FANTASTIC.

Except I am under tremendous stress from my family to meet the "target" and to ensure no delays occurred for the payments. And to top it off, I have to endure back the life which I detested which will help pay off the Malaysia house WITH the renovation loan.

Before that, it was only a huge chunk of money to pay my Singapore flat. Now, I have to brace myself to pay a very big chunk of money for Malaysia house after 3-4 years. Two house loans with renovation loan. Am I born to be indebted to the banks?

First of all, I was sad that he asked me to go back to Singapore in order not to lose my PR status. Fine, I reckon perhaps it's important. But if I am to commit to my Malaysia house and for my future happiness, I might as well give up my SG PR now. No. He said it's the best time for me to save money for the house and I can have more money since my CPF can pay off the Singapore house loan.

Despite my misgivings of leading back a lonely life in Singapore, despite leading back a dull working life in Singapore, I know this will come and bite my ass. Which is coming very soon. What I did not foresee, was how he asked me to go back without second thoughts. Perhaps he did think about it himself before today, but he also said, "we all need to sacrifice for better future". Is it a good reason? Perhaps. But with all the past trauma coupled with thousands of lies discovered within 30 days, I find it hard to accept.

I am hard to forget and forgive. But I know when a person is tired of me.

With the assumption, I cried after he was soundly asleep. I cried my eyes out, I dug my heart out and tears flowed with loud wailing. I am deeply saddened to accept that I have to leave my Malaysia life behind me. I feel very disheartened to go backwards in the 11 yr of relationship again; back to long-distance's and no marriage, no nothing. Seriously nothing. Our relationship has not progressed ever since, and we are now moving back to a long period of phone calls and occasional visits. He was not disturbed but I am.

Do you know?

Do you really know?

Eleven years with ups and many downs. Not only are we now slapped with countless of debts, we are not even near to our own happiness goals. Moving back while retaining the relationship is like a cool-off period but in all practicality, it's to "save money for better future".

First of all, our emotion-connection. I would say it's close to fragile state. A single off-handled remark about his torn boxers to buying new ones set off his displeasure and defensive sentence of "I didn't even ask you to throw your panties away". WTH? Do couples with 11 years together react like that? By standard, NO.

Secondly, we didn't have "it" for 4 months. And it's counting. Last time I was given the impression he would only want it when he was induced with alcohol. It appeared to be true till 6 months ago. I sounded once and he gave it a go. After that, NONE. Till now, NONE. I am a born-again virgin. I foresee myself to be a virgin for the next few years.

Thirdly, with all the pressure of saving money for better future, he wants to buy a three-seater sofa from Ikea. Ektorp series per say. Which costs a minimum of RM899 but knowing his standard, he will opt for RM1199 with better fabric. Now, the best part is him asking me to use the Ikea card to pay so we can ease off the bulk payment and just do a self-induced monthly installment till it's cleared. From my past experiences, he never pay the installment on time unless I asked him to. What is the logic now?

HE IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME, ISN'T HE?

In a way, he knows I am aware of this. On and off he will help out on the expenses and he will sound it out. I don't mind. Seriously I don't mind. BUT not when we are on the hot spot to save money for BETTER FUTURE but getting an off-budget sofa for 3 yrs lifespan which will be shortened to 1 year max with our cats around, is totally illogical!

Shall I also add that he has extra money now, that he can spend on the sofa with me paying my share after 20th December but he wanted me to pay with credit card?!

After sobbing, I acknowledged my stupidity. I shall not yield anymore - which was what I said to myself many times before. But I am so stressed with the debts that I really cannot give in anymore. My credit card is about to max out (RM14K max) and I have problem paying bits per month, which is more so to him, wtf should I use the card again!!!!

Give me love, I'll soften. Give me much needed intimacy so I'll know you need me and I'll disregard the above. I'm a woman, I want these things to happen. So much more after our saga. But where is it? WHERE IS IT?

In the end, I realize you only need me as a safety net. A place called Home.

But that's not what I seek for a man.