Kickin'

I'm still here. Gonna upload some photos taken in South Korea soon :-)

Next month.. Phuket!! Yeehaaaa!!!

Ooohh I love travelling... the way out of reality!

Great Couple Meme

I stole this from Su Ann >> http://quaintly.net/2008/12/16/the-great-couple-meme/

I read it few months ago and thought it would be great if I ask Clifford to answer the questions.

Knowing him, I didn't. Cos he would not answer with so many questions that appear attention-grabbing to public.

Anyway, after few months of hesitation and a new deadline, I sent it to him on Tuesday. No reply. He opened his Gmail but still, no response. Unable to wait, I emailed him again... only to receive explosive outbursts. He came home, greatly misunderstood my parcel (another trivial matter) and brought up the Meme with no relevance.

WTF.

I cried while eating the seafood kway teow. And escaped to bedroom.

After few hours when he was asleep I crept down to read his answers. I laughed. I cried. I sobbed and I drank more Glendfiddich.

Here's what he wrote and what I replied to his:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

From: Clifford 
To: agnes ng
Sent: Thu, December 16, 2010 11:09:20 PM
Subject: Re: FYA: The Great Couple Meme
My awfully honest answers..

On Wed, Dec 15, 2010 at 7:39 PM, agnes ng wrote:

Please oblige by completing this meme for me? We'll then exchange answers :)

Be honest, be awfully honest!

===============================================================

• tell us about the first time you met and your first impression of him/her: quirky, jumpy & fiesty
• what’s a weird habit or quirk that s/he has?: picking her toe nail
• what makes him/her happy?: stable living
• what makes him/her sad?: lies
• what makes him/her angry?: lies
• what excites him/her? travelling and discover new things
• tell us something funny about him/her: horrible sense of direction
• what’s s/he like at home?: focus and neurotic
• what’s s/he like at work/school?: focus and multitasking at the same time
• describe his/her room: like to be neat / near OCD
• what’s his/her best friend like?: same thinking
• do you know who s/he hates the most?: yes
• have you met his/her exes?: no
• do his/her parents like you?: yes
• what’s the first thing s/he would do or say if s/he fell down and scraped their knee: laugh, 'is it painful?'
• what would s/he do in an emergency situation with other people involved?: Trying to figure out who to call during emergency
• which shop would s/he spend the most time at in a shopping mall?: Watson / SASA
• what would s/he have for a typical breakfast?: No breakfast, strictly coffee
• where would s/he want to go for dinner?: Take-away or skip dinner
• what kind of movie would s/he choose at the cinema?: horror/thriller flick
• describe his/her taste in music: Jazzy/ambience/classical symphony orchestra
• if s/he wasnt going out with you, who would s/he be going out with?: dont know
• what item in his/her wardrobe would you like to burn: oversized tops
• what is s/he good at?: creativity
• what is s/he totally horrible at?: time management
• what’s something about him/her that is annoying/infuriating?: time management and bad talking after heavy drinking
• what’s something that you two fundamentally disagree on?: money
• what’s something that you two agree whole-heartedly on?:travel and cats
• is s/he possessive?:yes
• why would s/he succeed in life?: determination and persistent
• what is the coolest gift that s/he has ever given you?: My first PDA
• what is s/he obsessed with?: Nail polish and hairsprays
• what does s/he avoid at all costs?: anything to do with lizards
• what does s/he spend the most money on?: cosmetics
• describe his/her typical sunday: Homely
• why would s/he be dangerous?: Easily influenced 
• tell us about a time s/he looked absolutely gorgeous: dinner gown
• what’s something about him/her that would surprise all of his/her friends?: Coming early or arrived on time for appointment
• what do you love most about him/her?: Her Jumpiness and being true to herself
• the biggest lesson you have learnt from loving your partner: Not to lie and tell the truth

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Okay here's mine:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

From: agnes ng
To: Clifford 
Sent: Fri, December 17, 2010 2:18:28 AM
Subject: Re: FYA: The Great Couple Meme

Hi Clifford,

Thank you, it means a lot to me. Something I'll cherish for a long time.

But you got some wrong.. I'm not into classical symphony orchestra. I like Jazz :)

I don't think I'm easily influenced especially on matters of the heart. Lastly, am not creative at all.

Anyway, here's my answers.

• tell us about the first time you met and your first impression of him/her

Met him at Subang when we were still part of Bangsarmamak IRC group. He reminded me of a mat rempit with aaron kok's hair, excessive smoking yet awfully shy when girls talked to him :)

• what’s a weird habit or quirk that s/he has?:

Rubbing his armpits, smell the fingers then looked at me hoping for a reaction.

• what makes him/her happy?:

Money

• what makes him/her sad?: 

No money and when his friends ditched him

• what makes him/her angry?: 

When I threw fits at him. That was his angriest moment. Because he felt misunderstood. Oh wait. He was really angry when he got to know his sister eloped to South Korea and he wasn't able to tell his father about it. He looked really sad, super mad and anguished.

• what excites him/her? 

Travelling and photography. Not to forget anything that's related to IT gadgets.

• tell us something funny about him/her: 

It was funny at first - when he was hungry he would be very sulky to the point of being super-grumpy. Then he would be all cheerful while eating. The funniest part? He likes to imitate the boxers and threw empty punches while watching.

• what’s s/he like at home?: 

Tired and sleepy. More so after meals. Most of the time.

• what’s s/he like at work/school?:

Very dedicated. He can sacrifice his personal time to fulfill work requirements.

• describe his/her room: 

VERY MESSY & SLOPPY! All the dirty clothes lying around, 6mths old of clothes in the luggage, bits and pieces that don't belong to wardrobe room or master bedroom can be found there.. from coins, useless papers (toll receipts or marts' receipts) to handphones (yes he has a lot of handphones wtf)

• what’s his/her best friend like?: 

Smart/Intelligent, easy going and sociable

• do you know who s/he hates the most?:

He never hate people, he just dislikes. But, maybe he hates his boss :)

• have you met his/her exes?: 

No, but I've seen the pictures of his ex-es

• do his/her parents like you?: 

I think so? His mom gave me a dinner bag and his dad is like a mentor to me. I love his dad a lot.

• what’s the first thing s/he would do or say if s/he fell down and scraped their knee: 

Clifford, this is about the reaction when I fell down lah.

Anyway, if he fell down and scraped his knee, the first thing is, "Awww, FUCK" Grimaces followed by, "Awwww.. PAINFUL!!"

• what would s/he do in an emergency situation with other people involved?: 

Very quiet but will try to lead if no one else knows what to do.

• which shop would s/he spend the most time at in a shopping mall?:

Certain shops in Lowyat, poring over IT stuff and games. Then excitedly tell me how cheap they are, after that went to Starbucks to contemplate for 30 min before going back alone to purchase them happily.

• what would s/he have for a typical breakfast?: 

No breakfast. Nescafe milk coffee in a can (the one that's minty) will be sufficient. But he will take more than 2 to stay awake in the morning.

• where would s/he want to go for dinner?: 

Any shop that serves rice. He loves Bat Kut Teh for supper.

• what kind of movie would s/he choose at the cinema?: 

At the cinema? Dramas, thrillers, Harry Potter series and Sci-Fi. Absolutely no horror flicks, more so if it's in 3D.

• describe his/her taste in music: 

Rock, Old school, Alternatives, Old school malay love songs. I remember his favorites are Motley Crue and Linkin Park.

• if s/he wasnt going out with you, who would s/he be going out with?:

Someone very intelligent, street-wise, share the same interests with him and with longer hair (than mine). His old idol is Christy Turlington, he was so into it that he made her picture as the desktop wallpaper for few years! He admires slim, sophisticated women with long hair, I suppose.

• what item in his/her wardrobe would you like to burn: 

Okay there's this old baggy khaki bermudas he always wear to tapau food nearby.. and his old boxers that are torn in most places yet he loves to wear them around...

• what is s/he good at?: 

Being the mediator and a friend in need :)

• what is s/he totally horrible at?: 

Finance management (though improving) and prioritizing his life goals.

• what’s something about him/her that is annoying/infuriating?: 

Being intolerant to my friends who are silly. Obliging to me and giving empty promises.

• what’s something that you two fundamentally disagree on?: 

Finance management and lifestyle.

• what’s something that you two agree whole-heartedly on?:

Travelling and work-related matters.

• is s/he possessive?:

Sadly he's not (recently).

• why would s/he succeed in life?: 

Hardworking, dedicated and being a people-oriented person. He can go far by his social skills and being so amiable and well-liked that everyone will listen to him :)

• what is the coolest gift that s/he has ever given you?: 

The wonderful, beautiful Holland roses he bought me during one of the Valentine's Day in Singapore. He gave it to the waiter in the restaurant and presented it to me with his eyes shining yet his expression was one of a worried kind. I was so awed and touched.. though I always scolded him not to spend money on flowers during V Day, That big bouquet blew me away. It was 8 years ago and I still remember vividly. Compared to the fake plastic perfume rose he bought me the previous year, the bouquet of roses was like a big sweep off my feet!

• what is s/he obsessed with?: 

iPad, Canon camera, lens and car kits (rims, tyres, stereo players etc etc)

• what does s/he avoid at all costs?:

No insects and reptiles he will be afraid of. He doesn't like cockroaches but he's not afraid. He'll avoid boring people, pretentious people, useless people and maybe neurotic people :P

• what does s/he spend the most money on?: 

What else? Camera lens. Last time he splurged on handphones but now it's purely camera kits!

• describe his/her typical sunday: 

Lazy, sleepy, homely and relaxed. I love him at that best :)

• why would s/he be dangerous?: 

Easily influenced too. But he's most dangerous when he's drunk - all the truth came out. Also when he was really mad, he could punch a hole on the concrete wall using house keys!

• tell us about a time s/he looked absolutely gorgeous: 

Whenever he wore the All Blacks jersey sent my heart fluttering. Paired with bermudas and white Birkenstocks, it's the type I would love to go out with. Casual, sexy and relaxed.

• what’s something about him/her that would surprise all of his/her friends?: 

Downing 12 tequila + stout shots and able to stand straight for the next hour.

• what do you love most about him/her?:

Being kind, accommodating, generous, pet-loving and sociable.

• the biggest lesson you have learnt from loving your partner:

Patience is a virtue, not a habit. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I will treasure it always. Whenever I think of him, I'll look at the Meme and sigh :)

感觉

我觉得就这样算了吧。看起来大家都累了。

这么多的不愈快，如过再撑下去结果会很难看。

爱一个人是那么地困难，不爱又那么地痛苦。我说过，如果他不开心那我走吧。

在一起以经十一年了，我们还是不了解对方。拖了那么久，我想应该有个了结。

对不起。

SOBER UP? MAYBE.

Do you know? Do you know?

Do you know at all?

How my life spiral down to neverending mess?

I love a man called Clifford. I love him for all of my 11 years. Never falter even when I was at my most vulnerable moment. He left me for a younger intellectual woman two years ago. In the end he turned back, and I accepted. At that time I was at my world's end. I was literally flung to the pit and sinking with no restraints. I love him. We gave it a chance.

We had the 3rd honeymoon period, despite not going anywhere on our own, we had the best of the sweetest days after patching back. It ended without expecting for the worst. We resumed back to mundane life and I was happy, albeit the chunk of jealousy and deep suspicion he will leave me again. Though the days were not passed without a single speck of doubt from me, we were happy. Or I should say, I was happy.

Now, I am in great despair.

We had a brief discussion before. Never ended with any definite opinion from him. But today I got what I wanted. I received his full attention and his honest opinion. Because of the house he bought, given this as the main reason, I am advised to head back to Singapore to extend my PR and save money. The "best" part is, I am to save enough money to reduce the renovation loan AND TO HELP PAY THE MONTHLY HOUSE LOAN INSTALLMENT. On top of that, we both know I have to pay a monthly of RM2000 for Singapore flat and household expenditure.

GREAT. FANTASTIC.

Except I am under tremendous stress from my family to meet the "target" and to ensure no delays occurred for the payments. And to top it off, I have to endure back the life which I detested which will help pay off the Malaysia house WITH the renovation loan.

Before that, it was only a huge chunk of money to pay my Singapore flat. Now, I have to brace myself to pay a very big chunk of money for Malaysia house after 3-4 years. Two house loans with renovation loan. Am I born to be indebted to the banks?

First of all, I was sad that he asked me to go back to Singapore in order not to lose my PR status. Fine, I reckon perhaps it's important. But if I am to commit to my Malaysia house and for my future happiness, I might as well give up my SG PR now. No. He said it's the best time for me to save money for the house and I can have more money since my CPF can pay off the Singapore house loan.

Despite my misgivings of leading back a lonely life in Singapore, despite leading back a dull working life in Singapore, I know this will come and bite my ass. Which is coming very soon. What I did not foresee, was how he asked me to go back without second thoughts. Perhaps he did think about it himself before today, but he also said, "we all need to sacrifice for better future". Is it a good reason? Perhaps. But with all the past trauma coupled with thousands of lies discovered within 30 days, I find it hard to accept.

I am hard to forget and forgive. But I know when a person is tired of me.

With the assumption, I cried after he was soundly asleep. I cried my eyes out, I dug my heart out and tears flowed with loud wailing. I am deeply saddened to accept that I have to leave my Malaysia life behind me. I feel very disheartened to go backwards in the 11 yr of relationship again; back to long-distance's and no marriage, no nothing. Seriously nothing. Our relationship has not progressed ever since, and we are now moving back to a long period of phone calls and occasional visits. He was not disturbed but I am.

Do you know?

Do you really know?

Eleven years with ups and many downs. Not only are we now slapped with countless of debts, we are not even near to our own happiness goals. Moving back while retaining the relationship is like a cool-off period but in all practicality, it's to "save money for better future".

First of all, our emotion-connection. I would say it's close to fragile state. A single off-handled remark about his torn boxers to buying new ones set off his displeasure and defensive sentence of "I didn't even ask you to throw your panties away". WTH? Do couples with 11 years together react like that? By standard, NO.

Secondly, we didn't have "it" for 4 months. And it's counting. Last time I was given the impression he would only want it when he was induced with alcohol. It appeared to be true till 6 months ago. I sounded once and he gave it a go. After that, NONE. Till now, NONE. I am a born-again virgin. I foresee myself to be a virgin for the next few years.

Thirdly, with all the pressure of saving money for better future, he wants to buy a three-seater sofa from Ikea. Ektorp series per say. Which costs a minimum of RM899 but knowing his standard, he will opt for RM1199 with better fabric. Now, the best part is him asking me to use the Ikea card to pay so we can ease off the bulk payment and just do a self-induced monthly installment till it's cleared. From my past experiences, he never pay the installment on time unless I asked him to. What is the logic now?

HE IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME, ISN'T HE?

In a way, he knows I am aware of this. On and off he will help out on the expenses and he will sound it out. I don't mind. Seriously I don't mind. BUT not when we are on the hot spot to save money for BETTER FUTURE but getting an off-budget sofa for 3 yrs lifespan which will be shortened to 1 year max with our cats around, is totally illogical!

Shall I also add that he has extra money now, that he can spend on the sofa with me paying my share after 20th December but he wanted me to pay with credit card?!

After sobbing, I acknowledged my stupidity. I shall not yield anymore - which was what I said to myself many times before. But I am so stressed with the debts that I really cannot give in anymore. My credit card is about to max out (RM14K max) and I have problem paying bits per month, which is more so to him, wtf should I use the card again!!!!

Give me love, I'll soften. Give me much needed intimacy so I'll know you need me and I'll disregard the above. I'm a woman, I want these things to happen. So much more after our saga. But where is it? WHERE IS IT?

In the end, I realize you only need me as a safety net. A place called Home.

But that's not what I seek for a man.

NAIL IT!

I have taken an interest in my nails lately. It's quite a surprise if you know me well? Because for the whole of my life I never take care of my nails and my toe nails look so war-torn from all the plucking and meddling; a habit I have developed since young.

Over the recent years I painted my nails only on formal occasions. It's a hit-&-go method by sloshing the polish onto nails without any defined strokes. But I will make sure nails are coated in two layers to hide the imperfections :) Well now, through blog-reading I discovered the importance of caring my hands and nails and the widely-accepted method of painting them. As a start, I bought drugstore products to file my nails, remove cuticles and strengthen them on a weekly basis.

The first ever investment on nail polishes is OPI Tickle My France-y. I chose it as a safe color to practice my painting skills and the shade will be great for office wear. Then my spending advances to nail care & treatments, OPI base coat, ridge-filler, Nubar top coat. Adding to the basket are colored polishes with more OPI, one mini Essie (more to come, waiting for spree order to arrive!) and Orly. I don't think I will stop buying though.. I'm intrigued by all the colors, advanced treatment and interesting techniques available! My next to-do will be nail art and konad stamping.. not gonna be easy for a clumsy person like me but I really wanna try!

Anyhoo, I will elaborate further on my learning curve next time. The purpose of this post is intended to be advertorial. Below you'll find some Giveaways that I'm excited about, and of course, blogging about them is to increase my chances in winning!!!!

Ok here goes:

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Daily Polish 1st Year Anniversary Giveaway

Link:  http://dailypolish.com/2010/10/the-wait-is-over-celebrate-365-days-of-daily-polish-with-a-giveaway.html

pictures courtesy of Daily Polish

What's so exciting about this?
Look at the prizes look at the prizes!! It takes 11 finger movements to scroll through the list of products you can grab from 1st prize! Sara is giving away eyebrow pencils, lip glosses, limited edition OPI set, wide range of nail polishes, nail files and other beauty products! What I lust after is Incoco dry nail applique which I saw from Asami! Other than this, I have been contemplating on Eyeko polishes that I can purchase from their official site. But waiting time is as good as spree's and I need to test the application before buying them in bulk :P

On to the second and third prize, comprises of nail polishes and hand scrub. Barry M is not available in Malaysia so I really want to try it. I would love to have the Vintage Vixen too, c'mon they're from China Glaze!

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Emerald Sparkled 1000+ Giveaway

Link: http://emeraldsparkled.blogspot.com/2010/10/1000-giveaway-happy-birthday-to-my-blog.html

Pictures courtesy of Emerald Sparkled

What's the hype?
I don't have China Glaze nail polish yet. So if I ever win 1st prize, I gonna receive not one but twelve nail polishes! It's the Holiday Collection, which means it fits into December decorations perfectly! I've heard heaps of compliments on China Glaze and Asami uses it to stamp her nails. I want I want!

But what I'm interested are 2nd and 3rd prizes. We don't have NOX here so having it is like a bonus point! She's giving six bottles! SIX BOTTLES! I love the bottle design, so chic! The teal shade caught my eyes! I haven't own any Konad products yet, so even if I don't have nail polishes, I have the chance to win five Konad plates! Not one not two but FIVE in one go!

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Mon Coin a Moua Quick Giveaway

Link: http://moncoinamoua.blogspot.com/2010/11/quick-giveaway.html

Picture courtesy of Mon Coin a Moua

What's the story?
I'm not sure how quick the giveaway is but she allows winners to choose their own prize :D And what's even more enticing, there're extra gifts for you to take home - Revlon and Nailene. Not either one, it's BOTH!!

Let's look at the prizes;

• Prize 1 consists of nail polishes I never heard of - P2, thus I wanna try, as well as eyeshadow palette. I like the eyeshadow palette since I prefer subtle shades.
• Prize 2 has Eclipse nail polishes with one lip gloss. I'm targeting the pink polish :P
• Prize 3 sums up with Claire's, P2 and Essence products. I'm curious about Claire's nail polish and would love to have the cuticle gel as I'm currently using disposable Qtip cuticle conditioner.
• Now for Prize 4, it's a w-o-a-h. So many products! I've never heard of UMA, MNY and Catrice before. On top of the nail polishes and cuticle oil, she's adding blusher and eyeshadow palette (for smokey eyes. That's about seventeen products in one prize! How cool is that?

So if you think about it, you'll definitely choose Prize 4 as I would :) With added bonus of extra Revlon and Nailene, it'll be the best Christmas gift to receive from a stranger!

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Witoxicity Giveaway: Koh and Co.

Link: http://www.witoxicity.com/2010/11/giveaway-koh-and-co.html

Pictures courtesy of Witoxicity

Now what? More nail polishes?
Yes, yes and yes. Why not? If you love to paint your nails, you seldom stop at few bottles :P

I find myself staring at numerous nail polish brands that I've never heard of. This excites me further. I have seen swatches on Koh products and so far the reviews are good!

Witoxicity will allow winners to choose one of the prize packages; either Bright or Dark.

Lemme see;

• Package 1 has a more pinks, stamping design and a matte top coat. 
• Package 2 consists a variety of dark shades and stamping design. 

I would love to have a matte topcoat but  too many pinks stains the mood? Haha, that's crap. I prefer dark colors and 'm greedy on the different shades package 2 has to offer.

In order to get more out of the prizes, I'll choose package 2. I'll just have to order the matte topcoat elsewhere.

Oh not to forget, she will give two HEMA nail polishes as consolation prizes. Goodies goodies!

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Bec's Beauty Buzz Ozotic Polish Giveaway

Link: http://becsbeautybuzz.blogspot.com/2010/11/ozotic-polish-giveaway.html

Pictures courtesy of  Bec's Beauty Buzz

Is this as good as the rest, seriously?
Of course! Look at the shades! Multi chromatic, holographic kinda shades! How can you miss that?

"Ozotic is kind of  like the white unicorn of Aussie polishes - magical, beautiful but incredibly rare and hard to find, esp for people overseas."

She's giving away seven Ozotic chromatic polishes, all in different shades. You know once you own one of these, you'll be dying to have the rest! I have participated in Nail Galore MAC Venomous Villian Giveaway so if I don't win it (highly possible) then at least I can pin my hopes on Ozotic's. At best I hope to win both.. hahaha...

And mind you, these are not minis. Seven of them in regular sizing. Geez I'm thinking of applying all of them to my 10 nails just to create the cosmic-chaos kinda effect. My colleagues gonna freak out. Lol. Oh well, if only I win :P

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She Speaks Of Beauty Birthday Giveaway

Link: http://hunnylovins.blogspot.com/2010/09/birthday-giveaway.html

Picture courtesy to She Speaks Of Beauty

Do we win birthday candles or..?
Instead of nail polishes, we get to win facial product and cosmetics! Not drugstore brands, but higher end :)

• Clinique Moisture Surge
• Stila Lipstick in Kelly
• NYC Lip Sliders x 3
• Coach Sutton Signature Wristlet

Coach wristlet, peeps! Not Watsons pouch not even Sasa makeup bag. Renay is giving away Coach bag! I must say this is the main attraction that prompted my participation :P

I have used Clinique Moisture Surge before and it suits my skin really well. As for the lipstick and glosses, the more the merrier! I always like Stila and NYC :D

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So that's about it. I'm sure there are other giveaways out there and more to come in the future. I will keep on trying till Lady Luck knocks on my door!

OF FRIENDS AND FOE

I had a dream last night. I woke up with my eyes bright and body trembling with fear. The inexplicable sense of helplessness carried from the dreams to reality. My voice was buried deep even though it was crying out loud in the realm.


In the dream, Cliff was dumping me for another woman. He explained point by point on why he preferred her, how he likes his life to be with her in it. He said all these with a contented smile, like he has found true happiness and calmly sharing it with me. That woman smashed a car's window when she saw us together, I was getting hysteric with my world spinning at the edge of a cliff. He also told me that it was a mistake when he had sex with her but realized she is his true love. I was asking so many questions that I couldn't even remember how the truth came about. I was wailing and angry for being dumped again, I was so sad that depression sank deep into my soul and felt so alone in the shadows that darkness swallowed me in fury. And my thoughts went out to friends.. then blank.


I woke up in the middle of night. My mind was filled with the remains of the dream; his confessions, his coldness and my friends. Then I realized, I have lost my friends throughout the years.


My life has narrowed to Cliff and I, our work and colleagues. I don't have new bonds, I don't want to advance friendships to new level. I want to avoid being hurt by friends again. I close my social circle sub-consciously.


Two days ago, I had the unexplainable urge to get connected with my old friends again and to compensate for all the things that had upset them before. I wrote to Alvin and Mike. I still lack of courage to touch base with Angela, Joyce, Aubrey and Amabel. My past trauma has affected so many people around me that ever since then one by one left my circle. I turned my focus to Cliff and nothing else mattered. I devoted my love and attention to him, only him because I promise to make it work. But I lost my friends.


I was upset with Cliff over a recent betrayal and started questioning my existence in this relationship. Is it worth it? Far away from my family and losing my friends.. Do I have to blame my relationship for these?


There was an incident occurred that warrants an indefinite cut of two friendships. It happened 2 months ago and no one talks about it anymore. But I'm still bothered, irritated and fuming. It's just so difficult for me to warm up to them again. I'll talk about it in my next post.

By The River

By the river stood a tree.
A strong solid oak rooted deep.
One day it heard the cry of a wounded sparrow
that had clipped a wing in a vicious fight.
The predators of the night were circling below.
Looking for prey.
The solid oak reached down with a branch
scooping up his new found friend
carrying her into the safety of the sky.
For days they played.
Until the sparrow's wing healed.
And she tested flight and flew away.
Never to return?
The tree felt sadness.
And then betrayal.
And then incredible shame,
as it realized.
The little sparrow could give nothing
that it hadn't already given.
It was the tree
who was in debt.

Emotions - Destiny's Child

It's over and done
But the heartache lives on inside
And who's the one you're clinging to
Instead of me tonight?

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song
But if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight

I'm there at your side,
I'm part of all the things you are
But you've got a part of someone else
You've got to find your shining star

And where are you now, now that I need you?
Tears on my pillow wherever you go
I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean
You'll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion taking me over
Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song
But if you don't come back
Come home to me, darling
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
Don't you know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight

AFTERWORD

I wrote it on 2nd October 2008, hours before we had the talk. He had same thinking and that was how we ended our 9 years' relationship.

...

How long can our love last without causing pain to each other?
When we develop negativities in our minds, we lost sight of the important thing in our lives. As I said before, perhaps love has dissipated long ago. What we have, what we hold now, could only be fear?

Fear.

We see each other everyday but we don’t talk about love. Our faces are masked with dirt; we have forgotten how to clean our faces and thus losing focus on our very own relationship.

Nine years is not an eternity. We are only afraid of losing the memories, the things we used to cherish and bond together.

Now that we have come to this stage, how do we move forward in our lives? We need to rebuild and rediscover ourselves in order to gain self-respect, self-trust, honesty and integrity. With much sadness in my heart, I believe this has to be done with us being apart.

Leaving.

Our story is not unwritten. When there’s prologue, there will be epilogue. Our tears wet the pages, our anger tore the paragraphs and our love defined every word. We are afraid to write the last chapter, which should have been written many years ago. If there’s no ending, there won’t be any new beginnings.

Renew.

We will be better people in the future. I have learnt so much from this; it’s hard to recount back all the experiences we had shared because it’s still painful to be nostalgic. When we have advanced deeper into our own lives, our past will look beautiful. A tinge of longing will remain but it will be verve of bittersweet taste that brings on a smile. I hope to see that in both of us.

LET GO

I asked for space but he found another woman. Maybe this is the space he’s giving me. He tells lies after lies, coating me with promises and love. When I look back, maybe it’s time to move forward.

This love is withering; perhaps it has died long ago.

When I cannot believe words he said, trust has vanished into thin air. It’s painful to know he spent time with her and forgotten my presence. Time will heal my wounds but it will never remove the nightmares playing their scenes over and over in my head.

I’m leaving, emotionally and physically. To be alone without feeling loneliness. Or can I feel anymore? Perhaps not.

My door is locked. Never again to allow any pain to penetrate through.


Poem from Sharon Au's blog;
I will smile again, but it'll be after dark clouds have lifted from my sky.

Smile though your heart is aching
smile even though it’s breaking
when there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by
if you smile through your fear and sorrow
smile and maybe tomorrow
you’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
hide every trace of sadness
although a tear may be ever so near
that’s the time you must keep on trying
smile, what’s the use of crying?

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
if you just smile.

MAYBE TOMORROW /stereophonics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eX3KrXFAsd0

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

a little depressed.. very much suppressed.. i'm wondering why.

REFRESHED AND RENEWED, I HOPE.

Ever since the saga with Cliff, i have refrained from blogging. In a way it has exposed parts of our private lives to the public, even though I'm okay doesn't mean he's fine with it.

Thus, I have to be careful here.

I'm in Singapore for almost two weeks now and will be departing on 18th evening. Initially I left KL with great reluctance because I will miss my daily routine, but this feeling is mounted due to not knowing what to expect in Singapore.

However I am going to leave this fine city in greater resistance. It's the first time for the past one year I have truly relaxed and feel connected with my family and friends. Not only that, I am starting to appreciate all the things this land offers me. There have been changes among my loved ones and the city.. but I understand time and change co-exist together.

Thoughts are forming incessantly in my mind to move back. There are many issues to settle if I gonna make it happen.. current job, new career, cliff, cats...

I think I'm standing in front of crossroad again :(

Leaving home this friday, bringing additions of happy memories and some regrets that will remain deep in my heart.

GUILT

7th May 2006.

Grumpie passed away. Last I checked, her feet were free from mites but she was losing feathers around the neck. We were preparing to bring her to the vet in the late afternoon but it was too late.

She was such a lovely budgie yet she suffered so much. I neglected her health and my poor knowledge has caused her death. By the time my slow senses came alive that she needed help, her soul took off to heaven.

I'm so sorry, Grumpie. Please forgive your lousy owner.

Hope you're reunited with Starsky, Hutchie and Sushie in rainbow bridge under God's care. And I promise to all of you, my dear budgies, that I will not keep any birds from now on. Nor will I attempt to neglect any of my pets.

Keeping my word in honour.

A PAIR OF KITTENS

Say hi to Maya and Dewey.



Both of them came from the same parent and they have the same nose :)

Currently isolated from my cats due to lice problem, we keep them in the guest room and play with them whenever we can. Hopefully by end of next week they will be in pink of health and able to roam freely around the house.

Maya
She's the daring one, on the third day we brought them back she tried ways to slip out from the room. Ignoring Aramis, she could zoom out to the stairway before I caught hold of her. We notice that she's born with happy-go-lucky character and loves to cuddle.

Dewey
We're supposed to name him Russ, special request from Adrian. But after few days we figured the name just doesn't suit him so we changed to Dewey. By comparison, this fella is not a risk taker. He wouldn't attempt to do anything and prefers to let Maya take the lead. We can also sense he wants to be the dominant male in the house. Even Stitch is afraid of his growls and hissings.

As for Aramis, he has been spending a lot of time checking them out even though it's through closed door. He would put his paw through the opening and Maya would respond back. It's a good sign because Cliff has the intention to mate them once they reach the matured age. I wonder how their children will look like.. hmmm.

Will post more photos of my pets soon.

Ta!

I'D SAY IT'S BAD KHARMA

I survived the weekend with my relatives but I am guilty for not spending more time with mom. I was extremely tired on Friday and Saturday to the point I dozed off while talking to her on the couch. Sunday was good though, but my aunt took a huge chunk of quality time away from me while I had my hair cut and colored in another aunt's salon.

Talking about my hair.. It's been 6 months since I had it trimmed. Needless to say the style and length gone out of play and I took more time to create the best look than ironing my shirts. Therefore, I took the plunge by asking my aunt to snip away my dull hair. Adding an inch of courage I asked for coloring. Cousin pointed to a poster on the wall - the model has lustrious long hair, colored with mahogany and strips of light brown. I was honestly awed by his good choice and went for it. But when the towel lifted off all I could see was a lion's head.

IT'S FREAKING YELLOW!

I contained myself to a perfect score and everyone bought it.. till I reached home and whined to my mom. She maintained that it's unique and fresh. FRESH?! I look like a lalamui! I'm like a flashing beacon for goodness sake! Though the cut is satisfactory but coloring casts me in a total different image. Oh gosh.

AND MY COUSIN STAINED MY MISS SELFRIDGE SHIRT.
argh!!!!

It was the communication. On one hand I insisted on the exact color combination by pointing at the poster, the other hand my cousin told his mom that I wanted brown. Yellow and brown are two different colors!

On the phone I informed Cliff that I made my trip to Susan's Salon. He made a tiny "ah" sound and that was all. Afraid to divulge further I gave him a false impression that all went well, even encouraged him to try it next time since I only paid RM100. Wait till he sees me on Thursday.. weekend would be spending time at home cos he wouldn't want to be seen together with a self-declared blonde. Haha.

Goodbye Ms Coolhead. Sigh.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Many things happened lately.

Work
After two weeks' deliberation I have finally sent word to agency to renew my contract for another year. I also learnt that instead of seeing it as a recurring stupidity, it might be actually a blessing. Two colleagues were told their services won't be needed in another 2 months' time.
I was shocked. Given their senority I thought the much sought-after FTC will be in their hands without doubts. I guess this assumption adds salt to their wounds.

Family
Mom will be visiting tomorrow. She will be here to keep me company because Cliff will be in Sipadan for 5 days. It was all in good faith and happiness till Mom insisted on visiting relatives for two days.
TWO DAYS! It was unbearable to even think about it that I blurted my concerns without processing through my brains. She didn't call back for a week and when she did, it wasn't a friendly tone. Gosh, tell me about committments and meeting relatives is one of my fear factors!

On another hand, or rather in another country, my sis is battling ugly breakup from her boyfriend. Based on her stories, it's a never-ending drama series that can last for several seasons. First the frequent quarrels, then fights and advanced to police, restraining order, courts. My sis never stop shedding tears from the start till the end of their stormy relationship.
All I can say is.. a good lesson learnt but damn messy to untangle.

Cats
Aramis has grown in length and size but he's still a midget by normal standards. His fur is getting wilder though not fluffy enough. In other words, it looks like he will be having bad hair day for the rest of his life.

Oh.. we have new members, Maya and Dewey! Thanks to Adrian, we adopted them from his neighbour whom has too many cats in their house and they are really bad in taking care of them. Both of them have so many lice and lice-eggs on their bodies that it itches me to talk about it. Had since sent them to the vet and currently being separated from my three brats in another room. This will remain so till they are in the pink of health, or rather, lice-free :)

I will upload their pictures soon. And shall see how I'm gonna get screwed by my mom tomorrow when she sees them.. *gulp*

MY BABIES

Ladies and gentleman, meet Aramis.. the youngest member in the family.


Born on 24th December 2005. Mixed mainecoon-persian (DSLH)
Mild temperament but very naughty. Looked up to Stitch as his brother and regards Tiger as discipline master. Not to forget Grumpie as his constant prey.


Stitch (DSH)

He's currently in heat. Making awful lots of noise, restless and looking sullen since his masters refuse to let him out.


Tiger (DSH)

The ever-wise cat in the house. Always gentle with humans. Cliff's dad even have thoughts to bring him back to KK!


Lastly, our soulful widow, Grumpie, allows us to touch and hold her without much resistance. She's always perched on the apple mirror looking at her own reflection. Loneliness creeps in..



~ I LOVE THEM ALL! MUACKS!

HELLO.. GOODBYE

Starsky passed away last night.



We found his body in the food dish. His eyes were wide-opened and the way it was positioned, seemed to me that Starsky had a sudden death. He was either enjoying his supper or maybe he had fallen from the branch right into the heaps of seeds.

Cliff woke me up during the night to let me have one last look at him. As we squatted there looking at the body resting inside the cage, none of us spoke. Grumpie was still perching on the branch, looking grey. I wonder what was Starsky's last words to her.

I can't understand why he died, all along he seems to be a figher among the budgies we bought to replace his partner. But when Jas blurted that it could be the attack of bird flu, I was motified.. because I'm having a slight flu right now :-/

Can't help feeling bitter-sweet. Two days ago we have welcomed the arrival of our cute kitten, Aramis.. the very next day Mr Starsky departed this world to reach for the stars.

Sigh.

FLY AWAY

New calendars, fresh page, chapters waiting to be turned, experiences to be gained and learned.. it's a bloody new year.

Refreshing? My arse, smell my fart please.

I want to turn back the time and go through the whole of 2005 again, and again and again. Especially to improve my time management skills, in order to spend more time with my family and amabel, my cousin.

She left for states late last night.
Another region, bloody thousand miles away from me.
With no plans to return.

Against everyone's wish, the departure was teary and heartbreaking.
Actually she started to cry when we were in QBar on 31st Dec 05, and I followed suit by dropping few big tears inside the pub. That night it was emo over amo.
And on the first day of 2006, we had to send her off late at night. She was edgy with quick smiles. I was prepared for a friendly farewell but the moment she wailed, tears welled up my eyes and my face was all wet when she made the final goodbye and exited out of my sight.

Everyone was red on the face.

How could we not, when all we have now are dark clouds and shadows without her beams of rays. She's always positive, obliging, inquisitive and full of imagination. Not to mention a very engaging, sociable and cheeky gal. Now, without her I feel terribly lost.. and horribly miserable.

I thought I could handle it. But I still get emotional whenever I think about you. I was afraid to cry, afraid to show my sadness in the public.. even in front of you. But I let out at the last moment and I want you to know that my heart is breaking over and over again.

I'm sorry there were times I was mad at you for small issues. I'm sorry I scolded you when you were 12 years old - greatly traumatized and you avoided me for so many years. I'm sorry if I made you feel like a kid or even made snide remarks at you.
I'm aware of how you feel, any tiniest emotions flashed across your face never escape my eyes but most of the times I refuse to acknowledge them because I am selfish-selfish-selfish..

Now that you're gone, words are just words..

Cliff said you'll be back, definitely, you'll come back.
I hope so........

*I MISS U*